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Did you expect it all to stop at the wave of your hand?
like the suns just gonna drop if its night you demand?
Well in the dark we're just there, so the house might dissolve
Once we're gone whos gona carfe if we were ever here at all.
Summers gona come its gona cloud our eyes again. No need to focus when theres nothing thats worth seeing.
So we trade liquor for blood in an attempt to tip the scales,
I think you lost what you love in thatmess of details,
they seemed so important at the time, now you cahnt even recall any names faces or lines it more the feeling of it all

well winters gona end im gona clean these veins again so close to dying that i finally can start living



I have such a horrible feeling right now.
i am remembering being completely, utterly, passionately in love with Jon.
And the thing is...that is what it is. It is just a memory. Songs like first day of my life, a song to pass the time, practically the whole fevers and mirrors album actually. Kathy with a ks song, motion sickness.

they all scream it out to me, the memory of being so devoted to him, i wanted nothing else in the world. nothing else but to be in his arms. nothing.

I wanted him so much, he was absolutely everything I could ever want.

July. July was amazing. I now understand what he meant when he said he wanted it back like it was in July. Because in July I loved him so much, everything was so scary and new and I just couldnt breathe with everything I was feeling.

And I dont feel like that anymore. It's not like that anymore.

So much has happened. All that stuff with Carrie, then Jess, then him scaring me a little, all of the selfishness.

Everything is so stupid now.

I miss him, but do I really. I miss what i knew. I miss the old him. I wish I could get that back.

I wish It was simple again. I miss when it was simple. But I guess it was never simple.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had never told him how i felt. If we had just carried on. Would I be where I am now? Would all the things that have happened between me and other people happen?

What would it all be like.

"Im not sure what the trouble was that started all of this, the reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did.
Its not something I would reccommend, but it is one way to live... cuz what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is. Yeah what is simple in the moonlight now its so complicated... Yeah whats so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight...

i hate this so much. i hate it. i just want it to be good!!! Why isn't anything ever good anymore? Lora says I should break up with him. I dont know. I just dont know. Because I still love him. I do. I just dont like him anymore.



today was my birthday. it was realy fun!
i got birthday texts from sammy and eytan, and other peoples too.

didnt expect one from jon though, knowing him!