sleepingintherain

and so i'm sitting here with a killer cold, a period, and a giant box of tissues with the same Cure song on repeat. Friday I'm In Love.

Monday you can fall apart,

tuesday wednesday break my heart,

oh thursday doesnt even start

its friday i'm in love.

Etcetera.

My life has come to the point where everything seems to be moving forwards and i'm subconsciously determined to push it further backwards.

In my opinion, me and Jon's relationship is just about over. Since he gave me the ultimatum of either stay with him with no physical intimacy ever or end it, things have just gone steadily downhill. It's weird you know, its almost like since he did that he's decided that i've already made my decision so the relationship is already over, so he doesnt even bother to call anymore or say i love you or anything. I doubt he even gives a shit anymore, are all boys like this? If so I'm taking Marleigh's advice and becoming a lesbian.

A couple of weeks ago he's sending me texts saying how much he loves me and cant wait to see me and stuff like that, and about a week before that he was saying how he wants to have a sleepover with me on the first night of limmud etc and now hes put up all these stupid religious boundaries that mean nothing can ever happen and its all over, to be honest. But the thing is I'm still feeling so torn between two feelings. Half of me is like "well now you can finally end it and be free of everything thats ever happened to you, because be honest, theres been way more bad than good." but the other half is still completely in love with him. Which is stupid because he's changed so much he's not even the same person anymore. I know he thinks he's changed for the better, and I agree that he is a better person in himself than he was before, and he treats me better. But he's not the same guy i fell for. Maybe I fall for dickheads?

With some people, when they change they change with eachother, but we changed away from eachother. So maybe it's for the best. He wants to be religious, so he can be religious. I'm not going to stop him. But I'm not going to change myself for him, just to fit in with him and be the perfect jewish wife he wants me to be because thats not who i am and if he really loved me he wouldnt want me to change who i am.

its funny really, because at the beginning of the relationship i was convinced he didnt love me and never would, and everything went wrong, then we had a couple of really amazing months, and now its all falling apart again.

And now I've finally realised its not my fault. It's not anyones fault, we're just changing. The whole moving forward thing again, but i'm not going to push myself backwards. I'm not going to stay in a relationship where I just want him to be the person he was. Because the way I see it he's moving himself forwards, and hes not going to let me push him backwards to where i want him to be, just like i'm not going to let him move me where he wants me.

I think whatever happens we'll always be really close friends, because to be honest, he knows practically everything about me. I can tell him almost everything, and I would hate to lose him as a friend. Maybe we're better as friends. I suppose I wouldnt know what complete friends with him is like though, seeing as when I was just friends with him I was completely INLURVE. I hope whatever I do decide its for the better, not the worse. Even though my minds pretty much made up and I think he knows it. And I think its best for him too. I'm not the me he wants, and hes not the him I want.

God get me being all ANALYST.

School is getting serious now and I want to get on with it, and I want to do well and I want to go to college and university and get a good job and achieve my goals and everything. I really do. I don't want to let my stupid distractive nature get in the way because i'm so unobservant and stupid!
i've decided i'm going to try and stop being such a fucking bitch about india because whether she annoys me or not i feel like a hypocritical shit when i take the piss out of her because this is the exact same thing that was happening to me last year and i know how fucking shitty it feels.
i'm going to try and stop being so mean to my sister.
i'm going to try and actually do something about it all for once.

i guess you could call these almost new years resolutions.

i'm so excited about our drama. i really am. i hope it goes well, i hope me and leah can make it perfect and i hope we dont ruin it.

i'm also going to try and stop being so selfish. actually take my mothers advice for once.

and now the emo journal shit will stop

terribly sorry, remember, i am hormonal and that is why.