sleepingintherain

And so it has gotten worse.

I dont know if it was in here, but somewhere a long time ago i wrote that i was scared jon would fall in love with niki and that is why i wouldnt give her his email address.

guess what? she fancies him

and knowing her she wont stop til she gets what she wants. and she says shes not gona give up.

so i dont know what to do.

why is she doing this to me? i always knew i would get out done by her some day.

There is so much happening. So much has happened. It is now 2006, and I dont know whats going on. I am wearing the band on my wrist that he gave me. It makes me warm to think that maybe he thinks of me sometimes. But it hurts to think of him with her. Because yet again, there is someone else. And it has made me realise that in our relationship, I am never going to be the only one. There is always going to be someone else. And that hurts so much, it makes me cry each night because I think he is with her now, and he must be lying when he tells me he loves me. He wouldn't be doing this to me if he loves me. And he asked me the other night if I considered what he was doing as cheating, and I just didn't answer. Because yes, part of me does, but the other part just wants him to be happy. And if Jess makes him happy, then so be it. And I wish it could be as simple as me saying that, and him saying "well yes, that is the case, she makes me happy, happier than you could ever make me." but it isnt, it never is. He always says something along the lines of "but she doesn't make me happy, you make me happy, nothing compares to you, to being with you, to holding you." But if that's true, then why is he doing this? Why cant he see how much he is hurting me and that I cant deal with this anymore?

Yesterday I was at my friend Genevieve's house for New Year's. Everyone was so happy and hyper and I just couldnt be. I really couldnt be. I just wasnt in that state at all. So I made my excuses and left. And I felt bad for leaving, because this time last year I would have been able to be all happy and hyper for no reason just because it was New Years. I would have been able to. But because of this past year, and all that has happened and how much it has changed me and what has been going on recently with me and Jon, and then seeing Jon and feeling so wonderful and then coming back and feeling so low, I just couldnt. I just cant do that anymore. And that hurts a lot. Just watching them all so happy and screaming and hyper, and me and Millie sitting in the living area just talking and smiling and having fun in a casual way which I really enjoyed, it made me think. It made me think how much I've changed, that I cant just get hyper for no reason any more. Everything has to make sense otherwise it wont matter to me. I miss not caring and just being crazy. But I cant do that anymore, and I dont know why.

Jon said that I would be better off with someone like Sammy. And I wish I could feel the things I feel for Jon for Sammy, because maybe he would treat me better. Maybe I would be able to tell him how I feel when he hurts me. But I cant feel things for sammy, nothing except friendship.

I just wish Jon could see what I see, I wish. But I wish a lot of things, and none of them ever end up happening.

Today is Genevieve's birthday. Another year gone.

Oh god, please let 2006 be better than 2005. please let it be alright, please let everything be alright.

Love always,
Olivia x