sleepingintherain

I don't really know what's going on at the moment. All I can be sure of is that everything, absolutely everything, is falling apart.
Practically all my friends have taken a major dislike to me. Marleigh is up and down with me lately. She either likes me or hates me. At the moment she doesnt like me. I'm still not sure why. Apparently she's a burden to me or something.
Leah seems okay with me. I aplogised to her when I was told how she was feeling, and since then we've been good with eachother. Or at least thats what I think anyway.
Lora seems to be good with me. I love her so much, I dont want to lose her.
Niki and Genevieve...those two really don't like me at the moment. But can I blame them? I'm pretty sure I've turned into a stupid, hostile bitch to most of my friends. But I dont mean to be. I still love my friends, I will always love my friends, I just want everything to be good with them again.
But I dont know how to make everything good with them.
And now I only seem to be happy when I'm around Miriam, Lora, Georgie, Zoe, Jess and Rose. And Bella and Millie.
But I cant be with them all the time. Because I am trapped in my friendship group where no one likes me!
Georgie, Zoe, Jess and Rose are in a different class. Miriam is in a different school. Bella and Millie have April and are with me sometimes but not usually. I am so trapped and I dont know what to do. I dont just mean by friends. I am trapped by everything. Mostly myself.
Marleigh said that she feels like Jon has taken away everything I was and kept it for himself. That he's taken the real me and left...I dont know.
But I do know. I know she's right. Because I feel that way too.
I feel like he's taken all of me. He's taken all of me and locked it away somewhere so I can only get it when I'm with him. And even then its not all of it. And I guess that's why half of me wishes I had never met him. Because then I might have truly known myself by now, I might have all my friendships sorted out, I might be able to be happy without him being here.

I just want to be happy without him.

It hurts to know that the person I love above almost all others has practically destroyed me and everything I was.
My love for him has outblocked almost everything else and has made me neglect the other people I care about.
I have completely changed for him. Ironic, since he said he loves me as I am and doesnt want me to change. But what am I? I dont even know myself anymore. I wish I did.
I remember how happy I was before he was in my life, and that hurts. I was so carefree, I guess. And when I met him it was the most amazing time of my life. Nothing, nothing could ever replace those 5 days. Those 5 days of complete...I guess bewilderment at how I could actually feel perfect.
And all those months where I was hurting, and hurting, and hurting over the fact that I loved him. My friends were there for me, and I really did and still do appreciate that. And when I finally told him...I guess its since then that everything really has been going wrong.
Ever since I told him I loved him.
So would I be better off completely alone?
I practically am now. I have made myself almost completely alone.
I have isolated myself from everybody. I talk to Millie about how Damien has done this apart from Rose, and I didn't realise till now that I am doing the same thing.
Why don't I ever see myself for what I am?
I hate it.
I hate how stupid I am.
I hate how I have slowly poisoned all my friends against me.
Today, I hate myself more than ever.

Why cant I just change for the better for once? I am always saying how I want to change, but whenever I do, it is always bad. I always become worse.

What is wrong with me?