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So I just talked to him on the phone for about 45 minutes.
It was a good conversation, its strange because I would expect conversations like that to upset me. But it didnt. Because I just heard his voice, and I felt happy. Ugh, i'm so pathetic. But back to what I was saying before.
He had sent me a text before saying stuff like "im so sorry i fucked everything up, you need someone real, etc." and we were talking about stuff like that and he said that its not that he doesnt feel the same way about me..its that he cant. like it got killed or something. But I just cant understand that. You can never, ever lose the ability to love. You just cant. It's one of those things that never dies. And I said that to him. I said, even if you dont find it with me, you'll find it with someone and you'll doubt you ever lost it. but i dont think he beleived me. but i believe me, and i hardly ever do. so i must be right. He said he was scared that I was going to find someone in Brighton that loved me that I loved and think "oh why did i ever love jon, i must have been crazy" or something. dont worry, i hastened to tell him that was crazy...because i've been thinking about if that happened to, and i just know that i wouldnt be able to feel like that for anyone else. because trust me i've tried! i've tried with my close male friends, but nothing is there. and i'm glad of it i guess. and it doesnt matter who i find in this stupid city, i love jon and thats that.

i'm confused, i hate distance, i hate confusion, i hate it when things die deep down inside of you and you dont have the faith to revive them anymore.

but i fucking love you to distraction, jon.x

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