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Yesterday saw the event of the worst party ever. i cant take chavs, but that many of them...so scary.

came back feeling so fucking ill.

and joel turned up, and made me feel horrible, because whenever i see him it just reminds me of those awful times when he was so horrible to me, i know I shouldnt let him affect me like he does, but I cant help it. i just wish he would leave me alone, sometimes he actually makes me cry, hes not even worth my fucking tears.

im so nervous about tomorrow, because as much as I want to see him, I dont because Im scared hes going to hate me, or just think of me as pathetic. and also I know that if I see him tomorrow when I come back I'm just going to cry solidly about how much I miss him, and I will miss him even more. i love him too much.

please let him like me.

please let him not hate me.

i need him more than ever, i need him so much, i love him. i love him. i love him.

and im just so scared that its going to be over, when nothings even begun.

am I being irrational? please let me know.

i love too much x

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