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Number 15 in this secret. I dont like the number 15, maybe because my sister's birthday is the 15th of May, and she always gets all the attention and so many more presents than me...wow, I sound shallow and superficial, I was worse when I was younger.
I have decided not to let myself get to worked up or anxious over what is happening right now. I came back from Manchester on Tuesday walking on air, I was so happy. Everything has gone downhill from there, but I'm coping with it because I'm letting myself believe that everything will turn out right in the end, however dangerous that may be. I do not want to be one of the people that falls under false illusions, but all that is keeping me sane right now is believing in this, this lie? I dont know yet. What I do know is that I miss Jon, I miss him so much. I knew that seeing him would make me miss him more, but I miss him too much to bear. I need to see him again, but it wouldn't be the same. You can never recreate a perfect moment, you just have to love it there and then and appreciate it. But I didnt. Because what was mostly going through my head is "this is going to end, soon." I knew even then that it was going to end and that nothing would live up to how good I was feeling then. I suppose I shouldn't have thought those things, and I should have just lived and loved those times. But I'm stupid, and I didnt.
So, Eytan speaks to me the next day, and tells me that Jon's girlfriend saw me and Jon together, holding hands.
I dont know if I mentioned he has a girlfriend, but yeah.
So, now I feel like even more of a bitch then I did before.
I dont know the girl, but I feel horrible. I know that if I had a boyfriend and I saw him holding hands with another girl it would make me doubt, but being me it would make me do more than doubt. But this isnt about me.
I feel so bad, and even though Monday was amazing, I feel so...bad. I shouldnt have gone I suppose, because going has made me miss him and hurt even more, and now feel awful for hurting his girlfriend.
I dont know if I mentioned it before, but most nights I lay awake wanting to speak to Jon, but I know that I wont ring him and if he rings me I'd just probably stay silent and not know what to say, since everything changed.
I cant help myself loving Jon, and I wish I didnt, I really do. I wish we were just friends, but we're not anymore, because I told him that I loved him, and he said he loved me back. He told me he loves me, but I dont know if thats true or not. I just dont think he could feel the same to be honest, knowing how many girls he's "been in love" with, and this is a first for me, and I know its not a first for him, and I know his first love was absolutely amazing to him, and I cant help but think that I am going to have to live up to that. But he is the one person I can be myself around, which is great. Because with everyone else I'm different, and I never say or do what I want or what I feel, because they just laugh. Everytime I try to have a serious conversation with any of my friends, they just laugh because they are so used to me being the one that makes the jokes. And sure, I make jokes. But I also talk serious. And they dont listen. But Jon does. And Jon says he loves me. But does he?

Does he?

I know I should trust him more, and I do trust him, I really do. I just cant help thinking he doesnt love me, because I cant imagine anyone loving me. I'm just not capable of anothers love, its impossible. Because there is nothing of me to love, because all I can do to make others want to be around me is make jokes, because I am hideous to look at, because I'm a horrible, horrible person.

I want to change myself so much. I want to change for you, for Jon, for everyone.
Please let me change.

I love.x

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