sleepingintherain

a lot of stuff has happened since i last wrote. but i dont really want to talk about it.
just when you think you are invincible, something always comes crashing down. just when you think have experienced the worst situations you will be faced with in your lifetime, they keep coming. these waves of disappointment, failure, sadness, emptiness, cold, regret, anger, lack of understanding.
all this time has passed, people and places. and i dont even have any piece of mind to show for it. its beyond situational.
i know all this is, at this moment, is letting a bad moment get the best of me. but its really hard walking around full of nothing. and pretending its ok. and when the straw broke the camels back, there was nothing. silence. because no one was around.

Starting Line on Monday! Cant wait.!

Anyway.

Today I went to Marleighs house with Leah and Ollie and we watched Leprechaun in the Hood. It was great.

Progress report: I am missing you to death.

The latest Nikiness.

    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
fuck you for telling ollie every fucking thing i say to you
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
what the fuck???
McNash forever!Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins.LYRICFEST 2005 says:
huh?
McNash forever!Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins.LYRICFEST 2005 says:
je nes comprendre
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
dont fucking be stupid " josh is gona have a big go at you"
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
josh will only say something if ollie does something to him
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
for fucks sake
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
can you just not fucking repeat a word i say to you to ollie?
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
i thought i could trust you.
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
what the hell olivia?
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
you just keep going back on my trust.
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
i dont get it.
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
so why did you say it
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
why did you tell him
McNash forever!Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins.LYRICFEST 2005 says:
i didnt think it was something you really cared about me saying
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
yeah
McNash forever!Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins.LYRICFEST 2005 says:
it wasnt like i was saying it to get at you or anything
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
i fucking care about all the shit you say to him
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
everything youve eever told him that ive said
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
it fucking merans something to me
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
that McNash forever thing. you know. that fucking symbolizies how weirdly loyal you are to Ollie.
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
i dont get you
McNash forever!Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins.LYRICFEST 2005 says:
why is being loyal being weird?
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
forget it.
McNash forever!Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins.LYRICFEST 2005 says:
will do
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
i still cant believe you
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
youre such a liar
McNash forever!Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins.LYRICFEST 2005 says:
no im not
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
yes you fucking are.
McNash forever!Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins.LYRICFEST 2005 says:
no im not
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
i dont care if " your friends" fucking hate me
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
what are they gonna do?
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
yes you are livy
McNash forever!Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins.LYRICFEST 2005 says:
what the hell?
McNash forever!Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins.LYRICFEST 2005 says:
what the hell?
McNash forever!Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins.LYRICFEST 2005 says:
my friends hate you? what the fuck?
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
youre a liar.
McNash forever!Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins.LYRICFEST 2005 says:
no im not
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
thats the end of it.
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
yes you are.
McNash forever!Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins.LYRICFEST 2005 says:
im not
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
you know what? yes youare. Thatsw "how i see you"
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
you know
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
think back to mrs cooks story  someone telling her she was selfish. didnt bleive it.
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
well youre a fucking liar
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
but only to me it seems/
McNash forever!Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins.LYRICFEST 2005 says:
what have i lied about?
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
just fuck off.
    .Die die Diee!!!11// +++++.x.x. says:
thankyou
McNash forever!Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins.LYRICFEST 2005 says:

ok.

God, that girl is pathetic.

There are so many things I'd like to say to her, but I dont because I dont because I'm a bit nice.

To Niki-

Okay, what is with you? Do you really think that I'm going to give up a super close friendship with someone just because you want me to? What is with you? Why do you think I'd give up anything for you? And this isn't the first time you've done it. I mean, come on. Remember a few months ago...I think it was June, when you had that HUGE go at me for being in love with Jon? Yep. I remember it. You were saying things like, are you really going to be in love with him next year? You hardly know him! He could be a complete cunt for all you know! You love him more than me! Why wont you just admit it, and then stop loving him to make it better?
What the fuck was with that? Do you really think that you can just stop being in love with someone? And do you really think that if you could just fall out of love, I wouldnt have done it then? That was the time when it was getting me down the most, almost every night, and yet all you could do was shout at me about it? About how I didn't love you enough? That's just pathetic. I dont know why you expect this constant devotion, this constant worship with all your friends. To be honest, you treat us all like complete shit. You dont deserve to be friends with people like Genevieve and Lora, who are always loyal, and always will be. You're never there for them. Your a shitty friend. Admit it.
You say how you dont believe in consistant friends, because none of your friends have ever been consistant or stuck by you. Well maybe they would if you weren't such a bitch, and if you actually treated them better.
I'm so fucking sick of all this bullshit to do with me and Ollie. Yes, we're friends. Yes, we're close friends. Deal with it, okay? It's not going to change. Unlike you, I value my friends, and I wouldn't give up my friendship with Ollie for anything or anyone, especially you. So just drop it. You keep giving me shit about how I'm a liar because I said I would always be there for you, well heres some news, friendships, and values like "being there for eachother" take two parts of the relationship. Sure, I was there for you, you rang me up when you were upset, when someone had pissed you off, you bitched to me or whatever, but when the fuck have you been there for me? Never. When I was really upset about Jon, all you did was hassle me about it, and about how you were sick of me going on about it, and him, and that I wasnt really in love and didnt know him at all! You call that being there for eachother? Bullshit. Your the fucking liar here. You dont know what the word friendship means, all you do is take. You never give anything. I'm pretty sure that there's not one of your friends that you could say you really care about, and you really love, if you think about it. Not the way I love people like Miriam and Marleigh, because you just dont understand concepts like that. If you think about it, all we've ever done, all our memories are just jokes, and hyper things, nothing that actually means anything. Things that are funny for 5 minutes and worth nothing the next. Thats all our friendship really is. I hate the way that when you start having a go at me, the next day at school you will act like nothings happened! Well something has fucking happened Niki, Okay? In the last year or so, you've changed so much. You dont care about anything except yourself anymore, and I dont want to be around someone like that.

So please, dont bother shouting at me anymore, or trying to then guilt trip me with stupid Live Journals saying things like "how could she do this to me? she said she'd always be there for me, and now shes left me." because its not going to work. Whatever we had is over. Feel free to talk to me at school, or sit with me, or whatever. But all you are to me is someone I can laugh with a couple of times. Because I know not to let you mean anything to me, because if I do all that happens is you hurt me over and over again. And I dont want that, because thats not a friendship.

Olivia.

Oh and by the way, all those stupid things you say like "phit" "proper [insert word here]" "gay/ghey" "blatantly/blates" "[insert stupid name here]mo" and all that aslkjsaklfhsjfhskjafheouaepoufihaskfhalsjfla shit is just pathetic. It makes you look like a complete idiot, and everyone thinks its stupid. Its not just me. Seriously. Ask people.

Well that was a nice angry letter.

Ugh i miss Jon so much. It really sucks but I dont want to think about it because I dont want to feel sad! So I might just put my walkman on when I go to bed and listen to Sleeping with Ghosts so it makes me think of him but makes me think of happy times and happy times that are going to happen, instead of just missing him and wanting him.

I wish I didnt care and it didnt matter, but it does. No, I'm not talking about what happened with Niki. I couldnt give a shit about that.

Letsjust rewind to the beginning and not talk to eachotherx

Yessss Number 50. Go Me.

Today was absolutely great, had so much fun, and I was happy which is always nice.

Things are good at the moment. I'm happy. I hope they stay this way.

It breaks my heart to see you hanging from a shelf x

   .Die die Diee!!!11// says:

   .Die die Diee!!!11// says:

McNash forever!Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins.LYRICFEST 2005 says:

   .Die die Diee!!!11// says:

McNash forever!Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins.LYRICFEST 2005 says:

   .Die die Diee!!!11// says:

   .Die die Diee!!!11// says:

   .Die die Diee!!!11// says:

McNash forever!Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins.LYRICFEST 2005 says:

   .Die die Diee!!!11// says:

   .Die die Diee!!!11// says:

McNash forever!Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins.LYRICFEST 2005 says:

   .Die die Diee!!!11// says:

   .Die die Diee!!!11// says:

   .Die die Diee!!!11// says:

   .Die die Diee!!!11// says:

McNash forever!Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins.LYRICFEST 2005 says:

   .Die die Diee!!!11// says:

McNash forever!Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins.LYRICFEST 2005 says:

   .Die die Diee!!!11// says:

   .Die die Diee!!!11// says:

McNash forever!Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins.LYRICFEST 2005 says:

   .Die die Diee!!!11// says:

   .Die die Diee!!!11// says:

   .Die die Diee!!!11// says:

   .Die die Diee!!!11// says:

McNash forever!Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins.LYRICFEST 2005 says:

i dont really understand.

i'm free? x

Back at school again, and its okay.

Volunteered to be Guild Rep with Niki again...I guess the only reasons are the fact that we get to boss people around and take money from people...oh, and the fact that I get to see Kate more often. Not that she'd notice me, or know my name or really care, but whatever. I dont think I want her to. I'm weird like that.

It looks like I'm definitely going to Manchester in the half term, which I know will be great but I cant help be nervous all the same...maybe I shouldnt get nervous but I just am.

I miss Melis, it sucked without her today. I wish she hadn't moved to America.

And I wish Ollie wasnt moving to Australia. But I cant stop anything happening so I just have to hope and watch or whatever and I dont make any sense but fuck it.

I hate how people are always classed under stupid definitions. Shit like, ooh your not cool enough to hang out with us. What the fuck is cool? Can you define cool? Who gives a shit. Theres no cool, theres no uncool, theres no anything. All the stupid things we class ourselves under mean nothing at all.

I hate how people can be so similar yet they all think they're so different. You all think your so special, that your someone unique, you'll make a difference. But you wont. You just wont, everyones the same, everyones alone, everyones together, everyone is.

And thats how its gonna be for as long as I can see x