sleepingintherain

Marleigh's condition doesnt only hurt me, it really really scares me.

She's severely anorexic, and it scares me so much. I dont know what I'd do if I lost her, shes one of the closest people in my life. The thing is, she knows that no matter how much weight she loses she'll never be happy with herself, but she cant stop. I'm so worried, I dont know what to do anymore. She doesn't seem to understand how serious and life threatening her condition really is. She says she just wants to be thin, but for fucks sake, she's scarily thin as it is. When she left Genevieve's house today, me and Leah and Geno were discussing it, and talking about how she's getting so bad and how scary it is. The thing is she doesnt look nice like that, she looks horrible so thin. And I hope she doesn't think that guys will like her looking like that, because they really wont. I dont know what to do, I hate how unhappy my friends are with themselves. I wish Miriam could be happy, see how beautiful she is and not cut anymore. And I wish Marleigh could be happy, see she doesnt have to lose weight, and doesnt need to cut, and that shes amazing as she is.

Why cant anyone ever be happy with themselves. I know I sound hypocritical, and I'm saying that I wish I could be happy with myself too.

I just hope things get better x

So yesterday I was in a very happy mood because all my friends made me feel happy, and i havent felt tht happy for a long time.

i have school tomorrow, i really dont want to go back. i dont think I can face seeing everyone every day.

today is my dad's birthday and we are baking a cake and i hope it goes well because i dont want to mess it up.

i'm thinking of entering the competition to win gerard way's shoes.

this was a pointless entry,

bye.x

So you buried all your lover's clothes, and burnt the letters lover wrote, but it doesnt make it any better, does it make it any better? And the plaster dented from your wrist in the hall where you had your first kiss reminds you that these memories will fade.

Pfft, I'm not Emo, but I'll always love Dashboard Confessional. I just cant help it x

I swear that I could go on forever, again...
Please let me know, that my one bad day, will end.
I will go down, as your lover, your friend.
Give me your lips, and with one kiss, we begin.

Are you afraid of being alone? 'Cause I am.
I'm lost without you.
Are you afraid of leaving tonight? 'Cause I am.
I'm lost without you.

I'll leave my room open till sunrise, for you.
I'll keep my eyes patiently focused, on you.
Where are you now? I can hear footsteps...I'm dreaming.
And if you will keep me from waking, to believe this.

Are you afraid of being alone? 'Cause I am.
I'm lost without you.
Are you afraid of leaving tonight? 'Cause I am.
I'm lost without you.
Are you afraid of being alone? 'Cause I am.
I'm lost without you.
Are you afraid of leaving tonight? 'Cause I am.
I'm lost without you.
Are you afraid of being alone? 'Cause I am.
I'm lost without you.
Are you afraid of leaving tonight? 'Cause I am.
I'm lost without you.
I'm lost without you.
I'm lost without you.
I'm lost without you.
I'm lost without you.
I'm lost without you.

God, I never thought these lyrics would be relevant to me. But I guess they are.
I wish I didnt love him this much, and I wish it didnt hurt so much to know that I'm not going to see him for so long.

But I'm going to stop writing this because I realise how pathetic I really sound.

Whatever. i need someone right now but no ones here.

someone call me tonightx

I can tell when i'm sinking, because how it starts is when music doesn't affect me anymore.

and then all i can do is wait.

Today has been shit right from the start.

I just dont feel proper anymore.

I dont feel like I'm really here, like theres anything keeping me here, that nothing needs me here.

I dont know where I'm going.

Nothing is making sense. Nothing at all. Especially not me.

I just want to dissapear. Somewhere new.

Loveisnotenoughx

Today I was with Miriam, Marleigh, Lora and Ollie.

I was only supposed to be with Miriam, but Ollie texted me saying he really really wanted to see me...and I felt evil to say no.. but I also felt bad incase Miriam didnt want to see Ollie...so I was torn between! But in the end we saw him after we'd had a little time together first. He was with Lora and Marleigh, which was good because I hadnt seen Lora for ages and I hadnt seen Marleigh since we tried to flush the battery down the toilet.

Not sure whats going on with this whole Ollie thing at the moment, but whatever. I dont really care to be honest. He wouldnt try anything, and if he did, I'd tell him nicely that I love him SO much, but as a friend.. but he wont try anything, so it doesnt matter.

Today was fun though. I tried to get Ollie not to smoke, but then I started talking about his feelings for Niki {fucking stupid of me I know} and he started smoking and I said "No dont" and he said "You started talking about my feelings for Niki, I cant help it" and I said "I'm sorry" and he just looked really sad, so I gave him a huge hug, and I said "I'm really sorry." and he said "its alright" and it was all really nice and meaningful. I love moments like that.

Today there was all this stuff reminding me of Jon, it was crazy...stuff like this stupid book that had loads of depressing songs in it (dont ask) and two of them were Love will Tear us Apart and Hurt...and I was just like argh stop making me think of Jon! and then there was donnie darko everywhere and it was just like argh! because every time i think of him or see something that reminds me of him it just makes me miss him even more.it sucks.

i think i'm finally starting to understand Vienna...but I'm not sure...maybe I just got the wrong impression again, it probably means so much more than i imagine it too.

loveisnotenoughx