sleepingintherain

Oh, an incurable humanist you are.
(x4)

Let's go to the movies,
I will hum you a song about nothing at all
(x2)

Let's go to the movies, Let's go to the movies,
Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all.

Oh, An incurable humanist you are.
(x2)

Let's go to the movies,
I will hum you a song about nothing at all

Let's go to the movies,
I will sing you a song about nothing at all

Let's go to the movies, Let's go to the movies,
Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all.

Sit down class, open up your textbooks to page 42.

Porcupine-ology, antler-ology, car-ology, bus-ology, train-ology, plane-ology, mama-ology, papa-ology,you-ology, me-ology, love-ology, kiss-ology, stay-ology, please-ology.

Let's study class, let's study class. Sit down.

Love-ology, love-ology, I'm sorry-ology, forgive me-ology, love-ology, love-ology, I'm sorry-ology, forgive me-ology, love-ology, Love-ology.

Let's study class, let's study class.

Love-ology. Let's study class, sit down.

Love-ology, love-ology, I'm sorry-ology, forgive me-ology, love-ology, love-ology. I'm sorry-ology, forgive me-ology, love-ology, Love-ology.

Love-ology (x6)

Oh, an incurable humanist you are (x3)
Oh, forgive me, Oh, forgive me, Oh.
Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me-ology (x6)

I hate rose davis I hate rose davis I hate rose davis everything she does makes me want to slap her. the fact that she said to niki that if she was ever asked for a name and address by the police because she was in trouble or something she would give my name and address makes me fucking angry, it really does.

i went away with my parents and sister this weekend, it was actually really good.

rose made sorcha cry, i mean i hate her but thats taking it a bit far I HATE ROSE

Isn't it weird how an increased cup size has also given me increased confidence? Quite weird, I think.

At the moment my life seems to be in a pretty weird place, seeing as half the time im daydreaming about the future, and the other half I'm realising I really have to knuckle down and work hard if I want any of the thing I imagine about the future.

I went on a school trip to the Holocaust Exhibition at the Imperial War Museum with my school today, I've been before. Some people cried, I didnt. I find it more of a numbing feeling than a crying one, I generally dont cry at things like that.

Like when I went to Auschwitz, the only time I cried was right at the end when Rabbi Meyer said a prayer and we all held hands, thats when I cried. I think it was the feeling of togetherness, the feeling of survival...that those people didn't have, but I do.

I really miss Barcelona cantabile tour!!! It was so much fun, literally the most hysterically hilarious five days of my life. And now I cant get the cantabile songs out of my head... right now all thats going round is "the day that such a blessing gave, that such a blessing gave, no common common festival should be, no no, no no, no no, no common festival should beeee" AND I DONT EVEN LIKE THAT SONG. I HATE IT.

I'm going to see The Sunshine Underground tomorrow with Lora at the concorde 2, should be good! Theyre quite good really, and geno is trying to get my ticket! Oh well, she cant. I love the concorde 2, its the best venue ever. WHY WONT TINY DANCERS PLAY THERE, WHY DO THEY KEEP PLAYING AT OVER EIGHTEEN PLACES WHERE I CANT SEE THEM ARRGGHGH. Anyway, yeah, tomorrow. Hopefully it will be better than mummra! however, mummra was hilarious. Probably the funniest gig of my life! With all the pringle throwing, and so on and so forth.

I babysat for Amelia tonight, she really is the sweetest little girl! She talks all the time, she reminds me of me when I was little! We watched Barbie Fairytopia Mermadia or something. Yeah, now Barbie can become a fairy that also morphs into a mermaid? Its all very complicated. Seriously. Those films are more intellectual than you might think, definitely worth the watch, might help you discover the meaning of life. Or not.

au revoir mon cher xox

so it seems like my life has gone back to being centred around music in general. When i'm not obsessing over Tiny Dancers, I spend the rest of my time obsessing over David Tennant/Doctor Who. That man is SO incredible! One of the most beautiful men ever, definitely makes the "love of my life" list.

Speaking of loves of lives, Rosa is still really depressed over the whole Patrick thing. Its weird because in a way I wish we were better friends, because of all things this is one of them that I could really try and help her out with because I've been there before and all that, and I know exactl how shes feeling/what shes going through. Love is the weirdest thing ever. My love life is still non existant, but at least I'm over Jon. The thing is, I'm pretty sure if he changed back to the person he used to be i'd fall in love with him again, which wouldnt be good, but he hasnt, so you know. I dont think he ever will, to tell you the truth. He's changed so much now and the changes are so drastic that I doubt he could turn back on them even if he wanted to, which of course he doesn't. Eytan is depressed because he still likes Sara, oh well. He'll get over it! Bless him, he needs a nice girl! Miriam is still with this Scuba guy, who i've never even met yet I am her best friend.... weird. I really hope we're not growing apart because that would kill me, to be perfectly honest. Her new school friends arent exactly the nicest bunch of chappies I've ever met, to put it lightly. To put it heavily, their all a complete bunch of chav slags. The ones from Hove Park were much nicer, and actually were nice to me when I first met them, whereas these ones just completely blanked me and went on to talk about who they got fingered by last night or whatever. Oh well. Life goes on, and Miriam is one of the most important people in my life, so I guess I have to try my hardest to get along with her friends, however much they ignore me.

My relationship with Marleigh is great at the moment, and I love it. Oh god, I hope Leah LEAVES HER ALONE and sorts out this whole creepy "curiosity" business shes going through. Or at least finds someone else to experiment on! Sheesh.

One person that is really pissing me off at the moment is India. She is the most whiny, needy person I have ever met, and I have a short temper when I am due on and she just LIGHTS THE FUCKING FUSE.

Need I say more? Yes.

For example, I am shit at maths and when we're in maths shes constantly flaunting how shes SO MUCH better at maths than me and how i'm really stupid, making me feel even worse than i already do, whereas marleigh who is in a maths group ahead of me is just really nice and explains stuff to me. WHY CANT SHE JUST BE LIKE THAT, FOR FUCKS SAKE WERE IN THE SAME MATHS GROUP THEREFORE THAT MUST MEAN WE ARE OF SIMILAR INTELLIGENCE.

Anyway. Enough of the bitchiness.

I'm really worried about my sister because she is going to start senior school this year and she is nowhere near ready. She still acts like a little girl and I'm so scared that she's going to get beaten up or bullied or just not accepted. Shes so great and her friends know that but I want her to fit in at her new school so much, because she needs to. She needs to fit in to get over her irrational fears, and to boost her self confidence. She really needs some new friends and I know that senior school can either be an amazing experience or a really fucking shit one so I just really hope she fits in.

My parents are out at a birthday party in London tonight so I'm here with my sister babysitting. I watched Wife Swap earlier, actually it was someone who is Niki's friends Hettie's best friends mum, so they lived in Brighton. Made me feel vaguely connected. Nah, not really.

Signing off, still needing a boyfriend to cure incessant loneliness, but doing alright.

So what has happened since I last wrote?

• I am now 15
• I am now a 32 C bra size
• I went on choir tour to Barcelona with my friends and had the most amazing time ever
• I got my hair cut
• I got a video camera
• I got tickets to see Arctic Monkeys

and thats all I can think of with any relevance at the moment. It is the easter holidays at the moment, and Marleigh is coming to stay over tonight, except she hasn't texted me back so I have no idea what time she is coming.

Patrick broke up with Rosa, he is such a wanker. Seriously. The night we came back from Barcelona, he went round her house, drank a bottle of her parents wine, and dumped her. Not a very nice boy. To think I used to love him so much when I was about ten years old! How times change, eh! Anyway, yeah, so hes a dick and me and Marleigh are currently trying to think of ways to get him back for what he did. Seeing as I live next door to him, you'd think I would be able to come up with dozens of ingenius plans for revenge, but so far nothing. Except for anonymous hate mail saying things along the lines of "dear patrick - you are a cunt." But I'm pretty sure if I did that he'd know it was from me.

I'm still lonely, which sucks. I didnt realise how much I need a guy, I feel so shallow, I thought when I broke up with Jon I'd be one of those people who were like I'M SINGLE AND I LOVE IT but i really don't love it at all! I suppose those people are the kind of people who can just go out on the pull and get with random guys without having to be in a relationship with them, so thats why they love it. Unfortunately/fortunately, I am not one of those girls.

I find it impossible to be with someone unless I am actually in a relationship with them...I guess thats a good thing... at least I'm not a slut, right?

So what am I doing right now?? Nothing much, but its alright. I'm alright.

I haven't written for quite a long time, and quite a lot has happened.

Me and Jon broke up, and I'm glad we did because it was the right thing to do. Except, it has made me even more lonely. I really am so lonely, its crazy. I need a nice boy. I know I should be content with lovely friends, but I'm not, I need a nice boy. Oh well.

 A lonely valentines came and went, except I did meet up with Zoe which was quite nice.

And it is a week today til my fifteenth birthday, which I can tell is going to be a load of shit because it always is when you hype it up for yourself. Also I'm having a bit of a dilemma with what to do for it, but yeah. Blah.

My band of the moment is Mumm-ra, i love them.

I've got a killer cough which I am praying will be better for wednesday when I have to sing in music, so pray with me.

"Ohhhh, ohhh, you are the best thing. Ohhhh, ohhhh, you just changed everything.

Fine, consider this the moment I, I figured you would change my life, ohhhh, but dont think there'll be a next time."

So yeah wish me luck on finding a nice boy, which I wont because there is not a single boy in Brighton who is attracted to me, but wish me luck anyway.

I had so much more to say but I dont seem to anymore.

I'm feeling rather shitty atm but hopefully it will pass.

BYE

and so i'm sitting here with a killer cold, a period, and a giant box of tissues with the same Cure song on repeat. Friday I'm In Love.

Monday you can fall apart,

tuesday wednesday break my heart,

oh thursday doesnt even start

its friday i'm in love.

Etcetera.

My life has come to the point where everything seems to be moving forwards and i'm subconsciously determined to push it further backwards.

In my opinion, me and Jon's relationship is just about over. Since he gave me the ultimatum of either stay with him with no physical intimacy ever or end it, things have just gone steadily downhill. It's weird you know, its almost like since he did that he's decided that i've already made my decision so the relationship is already over, so he doesnt even bother to call anymore or say i love you or anything. I doubt he even gives a shit anymore, are all boys like this? If so I'm taking Marleigh's advice and becoming a lesbian.

A couple of weeks ago he's sending me texts saying how much he loves me and cant wait to see me and stuff like that, and about a week before that he was saying how he wants to have a sleepover with me on the first night of limmud etc and now hes put up all these stupid religious boundaries that mean nothing can ever happen and its all over, to be honest. But the thing is I'm still feeling so torn between two feelings. Half of me is like "well now you can finally end it and be free of everything thats ever happened to you, because be honest, theres been way more bad than good." but the other half is still completely in love with him. Which is stupid because he's changed so much he's not even the same person anymore. I know he thinks he's changed for the better, and I agree that he is a better person in himself than he was before, and he treats me better. But he's not the same guy i fell for. Maybe I fall for dickheads?

With some people, when they change they change with eachother, but we changed away from eachother. So maybe it's for the best. He wants to be religious, so he can be religious. I'm not going to stop him. But I'm not going to change myself for him, just to fit in with him and be the perfect jewish wife he wants me to be because thats not who i am and if he really loved me he wouldnt want me to change who i am.

its funny really, because at the beginning of the relationship i was convinced he didnt love me and never would, and everything went wrong, then we had a couple of really amazing months, and now its all falling apart again.

And now I've finally realised its not my fault. It's not anyones fault, we're just changing. The whole moving forward thing again, but i'm not going to push myself backwards. I'm not going to stay in a relationship where I just want him to be the person he was. Because the way I see it he's moving himself forwards, and hes not going to let me push him backwards to where i want him to be, just like i'm not going to let him move me where he wants me.

I think whatever happens we'll always be really close friends, because to be honest, he knows practically everything about me. I can tell him almost everything, and I would hate to lose him as a friend. Maybe we're better as friends. I suppose I wouldnt know what complete friends with him is like though, seeing as when I was just friends with him I was completely INLURVE. I hope whatever I do decide its for the better, not the worse. Even though my minds pretty much made up and I think he knows it. And I think its best for him too. I'm not the me he wants, and hes not the him I want.

God get me being all ANALYST.

School is getting serious now and I want to get on with it, and I want to do well and I want to go to college and university and get a good job and achieve my goals and everything. I really do. I don't want to let my stupid distractive nature get in the way because i'm so unobservant and stupid!
i've decided i'm going to try and stop being such a fucking bitch about india because whether she annoys me or not i feel like a hypocritical shit when i take the piss out of her because this is the exact same thing that was happening to me last year and i know how fucking shitty it feels.
i'm going to try and stop being so mean to my sister.
i'm going to try and actually do something about it all for once.

i guess you could call these almost new years resolutions.

i'm so excited about our drama. i really am. i hope it goes well, i hope me and leah can make it perfect and i hope we dont ruin it.

i'm also going to try and stop being so selfish. actually take my mothers advice for once.

and now the emo journal shit will stop

terribly sorry, remember, i am hormonal and that is why.