sleepingintherain

I feel strangely empty.

I don't like it.

I'm scared alzheimers is hereditary, and my dad will get it.

I'm scared that I will lose everyone all over again.

I'm scared I am losing the two people that mean everything to me.

Sometimes life is just so scary. I dont know why. I have a good life, but it scares me sometimes.

now and again it seems worse than it is, but mostly the view is accurate.

isnt it strange how no one calls when you really really need them to?

and how one simple song can bring back a thousand memories.

right now, for some reason, i want to be outside, breathing in the july air. i want jon with me more than anything and i dont know why, i'm just positively aching for him.

i guess things just have to keep going on though, nothing matters. NOTHING is reliable, except for the speed of light.

that is all you can rely on.

always,

olivia.x

dear god

please make my friend stop taking drugs.

i will do whatever you want.

love

olivia xxx

damn that stupid bright eyes community, it just ruined my favourite song for me. but i guess their theory makes sense, amy in the white coat does sound like its about rape.

its still my favourite song in the whole wide world though.

my horoscope said i should write in my journal today! because apparently i'm feeling ULTRA EMOTIONAL which in my opinion, i'm not. But I must take the advice of the all knowing astrologers.

i wish i was pretty! no scratch that. I WISH I WAS BEAUTIFUL. hold on, why are wishes always in the past tense? Surely if i wish i WAS beautiful, it means that I wish i was beautiful in the past! I dont want that! I wish I AM beautiful!!! I WISH I AM BEAUTIFUL. maybe that will work?

i hate it when wishes dont work!

im really scared about something thats happening with a certain other someone at the moment.

well im not scared, im just a bit freaked. i called miriam up the moment it started! i was like AAAAH HOW WEIRD.

anyway, this is stupid.

i like typing whatever im feeling at any precise moment though. its fun.

i get to be co director of my amazing play tomorrow! i cant wait, its gona be absolutely AWESOME. i love the kids in my cheder class!

im going to Keane in october! theyre coming to the brighton centre! and my chemistry teacher and another chemistry teacher are coming too! HOW COOL ARE WE, going to gigs with teachers.

ROCK ON OLIVIA, rock on.

Lovealwaysxxxxxx

we're not moving classes next year.
i dont know whether i am happy or sad about this.
"and i find it kinda funny, i find it kinda sad, the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had."

:)

almost a year since i first watched Donnie Darko.

Almost a year since everything began. Since everything, since you :)

I'm rather confused right now, because of something that happened at school.
We were all sitting eating lunch, when Georgia got called over to join some discussion with Gaby, Zoe, Daisy and Annie.
I was sitting on the other side of the lawn so I didn't know what was going on, but after a while Georgie just walked off and got her stuff and started walking to the school, so obviously everyone was like whats going on??
So I went to follow her and I was like, are you okay? What happened? And she said that they all accused her of stuff and she hadnt done any of it, and they all said she was talking about them behind their backs but she would never do that because they're her best friends etc etc. And then she started crying so I gave her a big hug and told her it would all be okay and I loved her loads. So we went to the nurse because she said she felt really sick and wanted to go home, but the nurse wasn't in so we had to go to the office. The office person thats new, I think her name is Mrs Paige, could tell something was up and George wasnt just feeling sick, so she had some talk with her about what had gone on and I went to talk to Gaby and that about what had happened.

Gaby said that Georgie had been saying loads of stuff behind her back about how she thought Gaby's poems were crap and about how she really didnt like Gaby, and how Gaby was trying to turn Zoe against Georgie. There was some other stuff too, but I cant really remember the details. And apparently Gaby was there in the room when this stuff was being said and heard everything.

I really dont know what to think. My heart is really going out to George because I could see how upset she was and she was crying and stuff, but I dont know what to believe about whether she did say stuff behind Gaby and Zoe's backs or not.

Who knows, life at Brighton and Hove High School for Girls is very, very, confusing.

Right, must dash, my song is almost over and I'm absolutely starving.

Olivia xox

p.s only 68% in biology :( im well dissapointed.

I like writing in here. My own little secret. Well, actually, not really, seeing as Jon reads it sometimes.

Things seem to be getting much, much better lately. I'm really happy at the moment.

I have great friends, I have a great boyfriend, and so far my exam results have been really good!

Hopefully it will last! Today at school we got to make a rap up in music. I'm in a group with Marleigh, Niki and Lora. Our rap is amazing; it's about the ring and the grudge. It's so much fun! I love everything; it's just like it used to be.

I feel confident in myself for the first time in so long.

Did you know there is a musical called "I Love You, Your Perfect: Now Change!" I find that quite funny. I think I should go see it.

I need to get tickets for Regina Spektor. I was going to get them tonight, but first Marleigh wasn't getting back to me about whether she could go or not, and when I told Niki that, she said not to get them because we might be going for her birthday! I'm just really worried they'll sell out and I want to go desperately! So I will talk to her tomorrow about how likely it is that we will actually end up going for her birthday... because if it isn't very likely then I will just get my own tickets!!!

Lora is actually the cleverest person in the whole world. She got 97% in French, and in English! And she got 89% in R.E!! It's not human, I swear.

I'm reading this book called Homecoming. Its quite good so far, but I've only read 1 and a half chapters. And after that, I have promised Jon I'm going to read this book by Scott Fried. So I guess I have to keep my promise, dont I!

There's no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard,
No song that I could sing but I can try for your heart.
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things.
Like a shoebox of photographs with sepiatone loving.
Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart,
Like why are we here? and where do we go? and how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and sometimes life can be decieving.
I'll tell you one thing its always better when we're together.
mm, it's always better when we're together.
Yeah, look at the stars when we're together.
Well, it's always better when we're together.
Yeah, it's always better when we're together.

And all of these moment just might find their way into my dreams tonight,
But I know that they'll be gone when the mornign light sings,
And brings new things, for tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too,
Too many things I have to do,
But if all of these dreams might find their way into my day to day scene,
I'd be under the impresson I was somewhere in between.
With only two, just me and you, not so many things we got to do.
Or places we got to be, we'll sit beneath the mango tree now.

It's always better when we're together,
Mmm, we're somewhere in between together,
Well, it's always better when we're together,
Yeah, it's always better when we're together.

Mmmm, mmm, mmm...
I believe in memories,
They look so, so pretty when I sleep,
Hey now, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me.
But there is not enough time
And there is no song I could sing,
And there is no combination of words I could say,
But I will still tell you one thing,
we're better together.

I was always looking forward to Gaby playing Beauty in the Breakdown in her music exam, but apparently she didnt. I wanted to hear her! Not that I probably would have, seeing as I'm not in her class.

Wow, I haven't listened to Nirvana in absolute ages. I remember when I used to listen to them like all the time, completely all the time. They were one of my favourite favourite bands in the whole wide world! I do change a lot. It's weird. I think I'm dumb, or maybe Just Happy.

It's raining!

Ooh, nine oclock, big brother is starting. Which I have completely got out of, ever since I found out Pete and Nikki are doing DIRTY THINGS.

YES I JSUT GOT THE ALL IMPORTANT NEWS

THAT NIKI HAS BOOKED TICKETS TO GO SEE REGINA SPEKTOR! YES IM GOINGGG!!!

Xxxxxxxxxxx

They made a statue of us
And put it on a mountain top
Now tourists come and stare at us
Blow bubbles with their gum
Take photographs for fun, for fun
They'll name a city after us
And later say it's all our fault
Then they'll give us a talking to
Then they'll give us a talking to
Because they've got years of experience
We're living in a den of thieves
Rummaging for answers in the pages
We're living in a den of thieves
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
We wear our scarves just like a noose
But not 'cause we want eternal sleep
And though our parts are slightly used
New ones are slave labor you can keep
We're living in a den of thieves
Rummaging for answers in the pages
We're living in a den of thieves
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
They made a statue of us
They made a statue of us
The tourists come and stare at us
The sculptor's marble sends regards
They made a statue of us
They made a statue of us
Our noses have begun to rust
We're living in a den of thieves
Rummaging for answers in the pages
Were living in a den of thieves
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious
And it's contagious.

 listen to fucking regina spektor. LISTEN TO HER RIGHT NOW. i love her, she is my newfound muse. im feeling pretty crazy lately. its strange! i wonder if anyone reads these? if they do, leave a comment. let me know! i doubt anyone does though. everythigns got really strange and kind of nostalgic for me at the moment. its weird. love always, olivia xxxxxxx