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I find it strange how the smallest things can completely restore hope.

Yesterday I slept round at Marleigh's house with Leah, and it was really great and stuff. But at the end of it when we werent talking much, I just got round to thinking. And I got pretty sad, and I started missing Jon more than ever. It was horrible. I just wanted to be with him then so much, it was actually unbearable. Then as if he knew how much I missed him, he rang me. Which to be honest, annoyed Marl et Leah, but who cares. I said "You have no idea how much I miss you. I've been talking about it for ages and its annoying everyone." He said, "I miss you too." I said "Really?" and he said "Yes. I just read the letter again." and I said "Stop reading it..." and he said "No...I read it all the time. But I cant talk for long...I just rang to say I miss you a lot...and I love you." and my stomach went all funny and I said "I love you too." and then Leah interrupted for a lil bit and then he said "Well I have to go." and I said "Okay. I love you." and he said "I love you too."

And I felt truly happy for the first time in too long.



Wow, 30th Post. Go me. I think I should plan a little party.

Today my mother said that I'm not considered part of the family anymore, which hurt a lot.

I realised that there is no way for me to see Jon this holiday, because theres no time that fits in properly. Its annoying, but I guess we'll just have to find some other time to see each other.

Limmud is in 4 months. So I'll spend about...5 days with him then...but thats not much. Maybe I could see him in the October half term. Maybe. He probably will have something already planned though and wont want to see me.

I'm seeing Marleigh on Thursday which will be good, because she's been upset recently and I want to talk to her.

Music is the only thing getting me through at the moment.

I guess I just wasnt made for these times.

She stops, light as air, and falls.



i just found Paddy Casey,

Sweet Suburban Sky is fucking amazing

and Saints and Sinners is really nice too

fucking hell i need jon so much right now, just to hold me and tell me everything will be okay and to make me feel safe

i wish i didnt need him so much

this fucking sucks

i wish he would just go away

and i hadnt met him

and everything was alright.

and like it used to be

why cant anything ever go the way i want it


So I just talked to him on the phone for about 45 minutes.
It was a good conversation, its strange because I would expect conversations like that to upset me. But it didnt. Because I just heard his voice, and I felt happy. Ugh, i'm so pathetic. But back to what I was saying before.
He had sent me a text before saying stuff like "im so sorry i fucked everything up, you need someone real, etc." and we were talking about stuff like that and he said that its not that he doesnt feel the same way about me..its that he cant. like it got killed or something. But I just cant understand that. You can never, ever lose the ability to love. You just cant. It's one of those things that never dies. And I said that to him. I said, even if you dont find it with me, you'll find it with someone and you'll doubt you ever lost it. but i dont think he beleived me. but i believe me, and i hardly ever do. so i must be right. He said he was scared that I was going to find someone in Brighton that loved me that I loved and think "oh why did i ever love jon, i must have been crazy" or something. dont worry, i hastened to tell him that was crazy...because i've been thinking about if that happened to, and i just know that i wouldnt be able to feel like that for anyone else. because trust me i've tried! i've tried with my close male friends, but nothing is there. and i'm glad of it i guess. and it doesnt matter who i find in this stupid city, i love jon and thats that.

i'm confused, i hate distance, i hate confusion, i hate it when things die deep down inside of you and you dont have the faith to revive them anymore.

but i fucking love you to distraction, jon.x



I spent today with my closest friends minus one, Miriam. Because she's in Sweden.
It was great. I was with Leah, Laura, Marleigh and Ollie, and they are all amazing. I was with Melis to begin with as well but she had to go. I cant beleive shes going to America. But back to the happiness of today.
I was with them and they're so great. Ollie has become such a close friend of mine, and I hope it always stays this way. I know that no matter what Niki says or thinks she cant make me stop being friends with him because he is so great. And I guess she's right in beleiveing that I like him more than her because I do. I consider him a closer friend than her because I cant trust her and I cant tell her anything and to me she's just a friend I can have fun with. She hurts me more than anyone else. And the thing is she shouldnt because I dont consider her a close friend and all my closest friends have never hurt me, but she has. I guess thats why. Wait, i'm not really making much sense. Oh well.

I miss Jon more than ever and it hurts because I think I've depressed or upset him and that hurts me so much and makes me cry.

i love him more than anything, but i guess love is not enough.



So, I just read his LJ and apparently my letter to him made him realise how much he's lost from love, and how much he wants it back. I dont really understand this, how am I supposed to interperate it? Help?
It's really confusing. I feel bad, because even though Carrie's really nice and all, I cant help but actually hate her deep down because if it wasn't for whatever she's done to Jon, he would be able to love me like I love him...and that hurts to know. She made him lose all depth and meaning and love, and he cant get it back. and i wish he would. i love him more than anything.




i know this is really unfair to say but i dont care

i hate the fact that she has him.

i hate the fact that she's on the phone to him right now

i want him so much...

i love him too much to bear.

and i sent him that stupid fucking letter, and he...he liked it.

and i dont understand!

and i love him and he's hurting me more than he could ever imagine and he doesnt even know it.