sleepingintherain

wow, i love him.

and hes calling tonight, yay!

i realised how much i've been cutting myself. its stupid, because it makes me feel so good yet so guilty.

i love it though, its such an amazing feeling.

and it makes up for all the tears i've spent on memories of him.

Promise I will be forever yours,
Promise not to say another word.
Dig forever deep beneath the dirt.
Never mind, whats done is done,
Always was a lucky one.

[I love you terribly]

Hey,

Well, today has been such a shitty day. I'll start from the beginning...
This morning...mother has another go at me for not eating enough.
Then I get to school...which I really wasnt in the fucking mood for at all, the only reason I came in was coz It was Nikis Birthday...I felt sick, and tired, and just downright shit. everything was just...like, fake and not real until lunch...where for some reason everyone got really pissed off with me just coz I wasnt particularly happy and i was "ruining" nikis birthday, just coz i didnt want to be in pictures, or really join in much.

i just dont wnat to do this anymroe, nothign makes sense. at all.
its all so unreal

and i love him more than i ever could, but now i really know there is no way on this earth he feels the same

Argh, I'm in such a fucking foul mood.
Niki thinks she has the right to have a go at me coz I'm in love...well fuck her. All the times I've listened to her when shes upset, been there for her when shes pissed off, fancies someone, whatever. And now she has a huge go... she says that I cant care much about her and my other friends anymore coz I'm in love with Jon...what, the, fuck? Thats complete shit, love and loving your friends are so fucking different, and she cant understand it.

Why does she have a problem with the fact that he makes me happy?

Oh I know, coz he's not her.

Hey,

I was on the phone to Jon for about an hour and a quarter last night, at about 12:30 to 1:45... I love talking to him so much, he's such an amazing person. Everytime I talk to him I realize how deeply in love with him I really am.

Something he said to me last night really made me think...that maybe, just maybe...

He said "I just rang my girlfriend Carrie...I told her that theres really nothing in it anymore...because there really never was... and I've realised that even more, since you and me..."

Do you think, maybe he could...?

I don't know...but what I do know, is that next time I'm on the phone to him...I'm going to tell him how I feel.
Simply because I cant keep it in anymore...I'll die if I dont tell him.

So, wish me luck, because I'll probably be on the phone to him again quite soon.

Xx

This sucks, this really fucking sucks.
I have had the worst day ever, and I'm too in love to breathe.
I'm really pissed off with Niki at the moment, I know I shouldnt be, but I am.
She's going around saying that I told someone that the only reason Eytan finds her attractive is coz she wore a low top on webcam.
Bullshit.
I never said that, I'm not a bitch.
And shes making Eytan "convince" her that she's stunning. Fuck, that annoys me. She fucking knows shes stunning, she says it herself. She says Melis is arrogant, well she can fucking talk!!!! Argh, why does she want every guy in the world to say shes gorgeous? Cant she just accept the fact that she is, and accept that every guy we are interested in will probably love her instead, but she doesnt have to make them. Which is why I refuse to let her talk to/meet Jon. She cant do that to me...because he will fall for her, I just fucking know it. And she would love that, she would fucking love that. I hate this so much.

I wish I didnt love Jon. It would make everything so much fucking easier.

He's ruined everything...so why does he have the amazing capacity to make it all a fuckload better again?

I want him so much. I want him here with me, I love him so much, i cant believe it.

I want to remember how this all started...so I'm going back..right to the beginning.

December

We met for the first time...in a crowd, a fucking crowded room no less. Yet you chose me...to this day I wonder why you chose me. I've been told it was because of "my amazing smile"... how I hope this reason is true.
We started talking at lunch, and we got on well. Then we said goodbye...but me and Miriam and Sofie had to do babysitting...and you came and hung out with us then... actually, before that we all went up to your room. You played your guitar, and I said you played really well, but you denied it...you lent me Placebo and Bright Eyes...which I still thank you for... and then I had to walk around three floors with Miriam till one in the morning.
I cant remember the next day...the next thing in that month I remember with you was being really hyper...and then lying with you on your bed, lying in your arms...that was the best ever.

January the first was when I realised I loved you...and thats when it all went wrong.

Fuck, this is so crazy. So fucking crazy. Argh, I hate myself for this.

Niki's just got really pissed off with me, and I'm not sure why. It's about Jon though...judge for yourself.

[™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
do you tell jon everything
McNash forever! The Saddest Rainstorm My life changed after I found out the meaning of love FUCKING WASHING MACHINE! says:
yeah i do
        [™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
why?
McNash forever! The Saddest Rainstorm My life changed after I found out the meaning of love FUCKING WASHING MACHINE! says:
because i can
McNash forever! The Saddest Rainstorm My life changed after I found out the meaning of love FUCKING WASHING MACHINE! says:
hes the most easiest person to talk to ever
        [™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
oh
McNash forever! The Saddest Rainstorm My life changed after I found out the meaning of love FUCKING WASHING MACHINE! says:
and i know he wont judge me
        [™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
...
McNash forever! The Saddest Rainstorm My life changed after I found out the meaning of love FUCKING WASHING MACHINE! says:
on anything.
McNash forever! The Saddest Rainstorm My life changed after I found out the meaning of love FUCKING WASHING MACHINE! says:
coz hes not like that
McNash forever! The Saddest Rainstorm My life changed after I found out the meaning of love FUCKING WASHING MACHINE! says:
and i get scared people will judge me
McNash forever! The Saddest Rainstorm My life changed after I found out the meaning of love FUCKING WASHING MACHINE! says:
so when i tell people stuff, i choose my people carefully
McNash forever! The Saddest Rainstorm My life changed after I found out the meaning of love FUCKING WASHING MACHINE! says:
which is why there are certain friends we have that i dont tell anything to
McNash forever! The Saddest Rainstorm My life changed after I found out the meaning of love FUCKING WASHING MACHINE! says:
i wont mention names, but there are a few...
        [™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
yeah but you;d choose jon because hes the easiest person to talk to ever right
McNash forever! The Saddest Rainstorm My life changed after I found out the meaning of love FUCKING WASHING MACHINE! says:
yeah

        [™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
oh
        [™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
great
        [™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
img oing now
        [™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
bye
McNash forever! The Saddest Rainstorm My life changed after I found out the meaning of love FUCKING WASHING MACHINE! says:
okay
McNash forever! The Saddest Rainstorm My life changed after I found out the meaning of love FUCKING WASHING MACHINE! says:
love you xxxxxxxx
        [™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
ok
        [™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
......
McNash forever! The Saddest Rainstorm My life changed after I found out the meaning of love FUCKING WASHING MACHINE! says:
wha#?
        [™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
laters
McNash forever! The Saddest Rainstorm My life changed after I found out the meaning of love FUCKING WASHING MACHINE! says:
*what?
McNash forever! The Saddest Rainstorm My life changed after I found out the meaning of love FUCKING WASHING MACHINE! says:
byebye xxxxxxxxx
        [™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
/
        [™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
?
McNash forever! The Saddest Rainstorm My life changed after I found out the meaning of love FUCKING WASHING MACHINE! says:
what?
        [™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
why dont you tell jon you love him
        [™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
you tell him everything anyway
McNash forever! The Saddest Rainstorm My life changed after I found out the meaning of love FUCKING WASHING MACHINE! says:
because he doesnt love me back
McNash forever! The Saddest Rainstorm My life changed after I found out the meaning of love FUCKING WASHING MACHINE! says:
and if i lost the friendship id die.
        [™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
i dont want to say everything i want to eright now
        [™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
because youre so involved with jon
        [™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
even though youve met him once
        [™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
im not callign you stpuid
        [™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
for that
McNash forever! The Saddest Rainstorm My life changed after I found out the meaning of love FUCKING WASHING MACHINE! says:
i know, its crazy.
        [™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
or anyting
McNash forever! The Saddest Rainstorm My life changed after I found out the meaning of love FUCKING WASHING MACHINE! says:
and i hate it
        [™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
livy you dont fucking get it
McNash forever! The Saddest Rainstorm My life changed after I found out the meaning of love FUCKING WASHING MACHINE! says:
dont get what?
        [™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
Bye
McNash forever! The Saddest Rainstorm My life changed after I found out the meaning of love FUCKING WASHING MACHINE! says:
bye xxx
        [™]†+† [+<3 x<3!+.] ... what are those two grapes doing? says:
whatever

I dont understand...does she hate me because I love him??? Its not my fucking fault...I dont WANT to love him, its not my fault. I cant help the way I feel, can I? I know its completely fucking stupid, as I've only really spent time with him once...but i cant help it. I dont want to feel this way, and if I could stop it I would, and I hope she understands that. i think that she feels for some reason that because I'm in love with him it means I dont value her as a close friend anymore...but I do...I really do, she will ALWAYS be one of my best friends. Always. I dont know what to do...I just dont know whats going on anymore. I'm so confused.

Maybe when I go see him in August I'll find something I really hate about him. That would help, right???

Please, God, let me get over him.

I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken, and the one that could always brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own.