sleepingintherain

Ugh this hurts.

I really dont want to hurt like this anymore...I just dont think that I deserve it. So, tonight I'm just going to sit there and think it all through. And maybe then I'll come to some sort of reason, or conclusion to it all or whatever.

I'll figure out what it all means. Why I'm still waiting for whatever I'm waiting for.

Why I love him so much.

And I dont understand why some people can get so possesive, and cant admit the truth, and dont understand that they cant control who I'm friends with. This fucking sucks, seriously. Just leave me alone. Why wont you admit that its your fault, your fault, not his, your fault that your friends prefer him to you? You just dont make any fucking effort. You expect people to love you, but they dont. Try and make an effort. You have to earn love. It doesnt come for fucking free.

[23:05:52]   .Nixcore: will you answer me honestly Livy?
[23:05:55]   .Nixcore: really, Honestly?
[23:06:04] :[McNash for: yeah sure
[23:06:07]   .Nixcore: Just with a straight answer, Yes/No.
[23:06:13]   .Nixcore: Do you prefer Ollie to me?
[23:06:54] :[McNash for: You cant answer that with a yes or a
           no...everyone prefers different friends at different times
[23:08:50]   .Nixcore: So, that's a yes right?
[23:08:56]   .Nixcore: Cheers Livy.
[23:08:59] :[McNash for: no its not
[23:09:03]   .Nixcore: I thought i was one of your best friends in the
           world ever
[23:09:04] :[McNash for: dont twist my words.
[23:09:07]   .Nixcore: but obviously, you lied.
[23:09:12] :[McNash for: dont bloody twist my words.
[23:09:15]   .Nixcore: you lied about how weird you thought Ollie
           was.
[23:09:23] :[McNash for: YOUR TWISTING MY WORDS
[23:09:34]   .Nixcore: well i'm not, you did sort of just give me a "i
           prefer him at the moment, and you at other times"
[23:09:41]   .Nixcore: didn't you
[23:09:42] :[McNash for: No, I didnt.
[23:09:49] :[McNash for: Everyone prefers differnet people at
           different time
[23:09:49] :[McNash for: s
[23:09:51]   .Nixcore: Well, i did just say. can you please just say
           Yes/No?
[23:09:55] :[McNash for: sometimes I prefer him sometimes I prefer
           you
[23:09:58] :[McNash for: eveeryones liek that
[23:10:01] :[McNash for: like sometime si prefer miriam
[23:10:05] :[McNash for: sometimes i prefer marleigh
[23:10:06] :[McNash for: or leah
[23:10:08] :[McNash for: or whatever!
[23:10:24]   .Nixcore: Livy, i don't want to know anymore. Ollies
           introducing everyone as your friend, everyone has turned
           their back on me.
[23:10:27]   .Nixcore: I can't do this anymore.
[23:10:53]   .Nixcore: i can't stand what he's done. He wont admit to
           doing it either.
           he's been making up to me that people have told him that
           they have had enough of me. He said you have had enough of
           me.
[23:11:01]   .Nixcore: And that you think i've been stupid and
           immature.
[23:11:05]   .Nixcore: Please don't talk to him about me
[23:11:07]   .Nixcore: just leave it.
[23:11:09]   .Nixcore: yeah?
[23:11:12] :[McNash for: ok
[23:11:29]   .Nixcore: I really can't put up with this anymore.
[23:11:36]   .Nixcore: I can't wait until Ollie fucking leaves.
[23:11:40]   .Nixcore: actually
[23:11:49]   .Nixcore: yes i can, because everyones gonna be like OMG
           i miss Ollie.
[23:11:53]   .Nixcore: OMG he was so great.
[23:12:13]   .Nixcore: He doesn't know you used to get my phone and
           read the texts he sent me out, and take the piss out of
           them, like it was a funny group activity
[23:12:17]   .Nixcore: why don't you tell him that, olivia?
[23:12:21]   .Nixcore: why the fuck don't you?
[23:12:33]   .Nixcore: What happened to when you said that you were
           always gonna be there for me?
[23:12:40]   .Nixcore: Where the fuck did that go>
[23:12:47]   .Nixcore: What did you care when i broke up with him
[23:12:50]   .Nixcore: What did you fucking care?
[23:12:56] :[McNash for: You didnt care
[23:13:00] :[McNash for: you wanted to break up with  him.
[23:13:14]   .Nixcore: You hadn't any idea of the postiion i was in,
           did yuo????
[23:13:31]   .Nixcore: Of course, because Ollie was the vunerable one,
           everyone listened to him.
[23:13:45]   .Nixcore: Just because i didn't like to spread shit about
           how i felt HONESTLY in the relationship.
[23:13:52]   .Nixcore: Ollie URGED me on to break up with him, you
           know that, right?
[23:13:57]   .Nixcore: He was like, JUST DO IT NOW.
[23:14:14] :[McNash for: yeah I knpow
[23:14:16]   .Nixcore: and i KNOW he did, i have the conversation
           downstairs.
[23:14:16] :[McNash for: *know
[23:14:30]   .Nixcore: HE HAS FUCKING TURNED EVERYONE AGAINST ME
[23:14:36] :[McNash for: no he hasnt!
[23:14:40] :[McNash for: whos turned against you?
[23:14:46]   .Nixcore: at least, He's trying.
[23:14:49]   .Nixcore: You.
[23:14:52]   .Nixcore: Livy, You.
[23:14:56] :[McNash for: I havent fucking well turned against you
           Niki.
[23:15:23]   .Nixcore: You don't make an effort to try and meet up
           with me anymore, and Ollies going around telling everyone
           about how they " HAVE TO MEET HIS AMAZING FRIEND LIVY"
[23:15:32]   .Nixcore: i think its fair to say.
[23:15:46] :[McNash for: I think its fair to say you havent made any
           effort to meet up with me this holiday either.
[23:16:02] :[McNash for: And I havent met any of Ollies friends
[23:16:10]   .Nixcore: haven't i?
[23:16:14] :[McNash for: no, you havent./
[23:16:18]   .Nixcore: Olivia, last time i was like Ohh lets meet up
[23:16:20]   .Nixcore: you went out with Ollie.
[23:16:24]   .Nixcore: Didn't you?
[23:16:25]   .Nixcore: Yes, you did
[23:16:27] :[McNash for: but you didnt actually ask me
[23:16:30]   .Nixcore: well, yeah i did.
[23:16:30] :[McNash for: you put in your lj
[23:16:36] :[McNash for: does anyone want to meet up
[23:16:37] :[McNash for: and i said okay
[23:16:40] :[McNash for: and you never got bak to me
[23:16:43] :[McNash for: so what was I supposed to do?
[23:16:46]   .Nixcore: yeah i did i was on the phone to you about it!
[23:16:49] :[McNash for: no you werent!
[23:16:53] :[McNash for: you didnt say anything about it after that!
[23:19:02]   .Nixcore: neither did you..
[23:19:18] :[McNash for: well that was one time
[23:19:25] :[McNash for: where we both just didnt bother to do
           anything about it
[23:19:33] :[McNash for: and i made other plans.
[23:20:26] :[McNash for: I dont see why I should apologize for that.
[23:20:35]   .Nixcore: Me either.

Thats just todays. If I could show you..

[21:43:49] 33Nikoo...: who did you go to gay pride with
[21:44:00] :[McNash for: leah, her friend katy, ollie and his friend
           laura
[21:44:14] 33Nikoo...: you met up with ollie vbefore youmet up with
           me
[21:44:22] :[McNash for: he asked me to go with him
[21:44:26] 33Nikoo...: thanks livy
[21:44:29] 33Nikoo...: thanks a fucking bunch
[21:44:35] :[McNash for: you didnt ask me to go anywhere with you
[21:45:32] 33Nikoo...: ohh didnt i?
[21:45:41] 33Nikoo...: didnt i write llike on my livejournal does
           anyone want to meet up on satuday?
[21:45:44] 33Nikoo...: didnt you reply to that saying yes
[21:45:46] 33Nikoo...: or something?
[21:45:53] 33Nikoo...: or am i just imaginign thngs
[21:45:53] :[McNash for: yeah but you didnt say anything definite
           about it
[21:45:57] 33Nikoo...: whatever livy
[21:46:09] :[McNash for: if you had said sure lets meet up and asked a
           time or whatever then i would have seen you!
[21:46:33] 33Nikoo...: i suppose when im not going out with ollie
           youre still going to be his best mate righ
[21:46:33] 33Nikoo...: t
[21:46:41] :[McNash for: im not his best mate
[21:46:43] :[McNash for: im just his friend
[21:46:49] :[McNash for: and yeah, i'll still be his friend when your
           not going out with him
[21:49:18] 33Nikoo...: why the hell did you used to say all those mean
           things about him then
[21:49:26] 33Nikoo...: i cant believe a word you say now
[21:49:28] 33Nikoo...: christ livy
[21:49:30] 33Nikoo...: what the hell
[21:49:48] 33Nikoo...: and i tel you what i think of him like when i
           tell you that he DID make up things for attention
[21:49:54] 33Nikoo...: and you, what, just go and tell him that?
[21:50:06] 33Nikoo...: I taed tohis brother about it, and his brother
           has no reason to lie about me.
[21:50:12] 33Nikoo...: has no reason to protect Ollie about it.
[21:51:27] 33Nikoo...: well?
[21:51:38] :[McNash for: what do you expect me to say?
[21:52:01] 33Nikoo...: well possibly it would be quite nice for youto
           answer my question.
[21:52:13] 33Nikoo...: why the hell did you used to say all those mean
           things about him then
[21:52:18] :[McNash for: i dont knopw
[21:52:19] 33Nikoo...: 'caus yodidnt know him'?
[21:52:20] :[McNash for: i didnt know him then
[21:52:21] :[McNash for: yeah
[21:52:23] :[McNash for: i didnt
[21:52:23] 33Nikoo...: yo still dont know him
[21:52:29] 33Nikoo...: you dont fucking know him at ll
[21:52:29] :[McNash for: well sure i dont know him that well
[21:52:33] 33Nikoo...: so get the fuck out of his business
[21:52:39] :[McNash for: im not in his fucking business.
[21:52:42] :[McNash for: im just his friend.
[21:52:44] :[McNash for: im sorry if that offends you
[21:52:47] :[McNash for: but its not going to change.
[21:53:32] 33Nikoo...: you went into his fucking business the night
           you believeed you could help him.
[21:54:33] 33Nikoo...: If you want to be his friend then i dont care,
           id just prefer it before you call me one of your closest
           friends, that you understad that i think it would be more
           just to put me before my fucking boyfriend who has fucking
           ruined me.
[21:54:44] 33Nikoo...: you dont even know livy how much i fucking hate
           myself because of him
[21:54:49] 33Nikoo...: maybe i dont fucking act on it
[21:54:50] 33Nikoo...: i dont
[21:54:54] 33Nikoo...: evenknow why im telling you this
[21:54:59] 33Nikoo...: you'll probably just tell someone else
[21:55:11] 33Nikoo...: and side with ollie right?
[21:55:26] 33Nikoo...: im sorry if my stories arent so dramatic
[21:55:43] :[McNash for: i dont side with anyone
[21:55:47] :[McNash for: im friend with both of you
[21:55:50] :[McNash for: *friends
[21:56:14] 33Nikoo...: i dotn know if i can do that
[21:56:25] :[McNash for: why?
[21:56:39] 33Nikoo...: because hes fucking caused me so much pain!
[21:56:45] 33Nikoo...: yes i suppose ive caused him some too!
[21:56:57] 33Nikoo...: but you really have no idea
[21:57:05] :[McNash for: i know i dont
[21:57:11] :[McNash for: and i cant change any pain either of you has
           caused eachother
[21:57:12] 33Nikoo...: i cant fucking stand this
[21:57:21] :[McNash for: but i also cant change the fact that i am
           friends with him
[21:57:23] :[McNash for: im sorry
[21:57:25] :[McNash for: i just am
[21:57:28] :[McNash for: and im friends with you too
[21:57:30] 33Nikoo...: i dont fucking care anymore olivia
[21:57:33] 33Nikoo...: do whatever the fuck you want
[21:57:36] 33Nikoo...: just dont have anything to do with m,e.
[21:57:49] :[McNash for: why cant i have anything to do with you just
           because im friends with ollie?
[21:59:07] 33Nikoo...: because i hate him. Because i cant stand him.
           Because i thought you, i thought you were one of my best
           friends and it turns out youre not, because you beleife
           ollie over me, you see ollie more than you see me, and it
           turns out you care about him more thanme, probably caus i
           dont go spreading shit like he does.
[22:00:54] 33Nikoo...: i havi have a fuck of a lot of hate towards him
           right now
[22:01:08] 33Nikoo...: and like you cant change being friends with
           him, i cant change being like this.
[22:01:15] 33Nikoo...: its your choice if you want to put up with it
           or not.
[22:02:40] * :[McNash forever!:[(W)Are you the love of my lifetime?Cos
           there's been times I've had my doubts.(W)gay pride
           rocked...totally:[ is now Busy
[22:04:01] 33Nikoo...: and i suppose you dont want to, because you
           havetn said anything
[22:04:08] 33Nikoo...: youre probably telling someone about how
           fcuking selfish i am right now?
[22:04:11] :[McNash for: no im not
[22:04:15] 33Nikoo...: well i fuckign know how selfish i am and i cant
           change it
[22:04:16] :[McNash for: im just not sure what to say
[22:04:18] 33Nikoo...: im so fucking full of hate
[22:04:23] 33Nikoo...: say what the fuck you feel livy
[22:04:26] 33Nikoo...: or cant you even do that anymore
[22:08:55] 33Nikoo...: obviously not
[22:09:05] :[McNash for: i dont know
[22:09:13] :[McNash for: i just want to be friends with you and ollie
[22:09:17] :[McNash for: i cant change that
[22:09:46] 33Nikoo...: i thought you cared about me enough.
[22:09:48] 33Nikoo...: i really did.
[22:09:53] :[McNash for: i do carea bout you
[22:10:00] :[McNash for: i care about you a hell of a lot
[22:10:02] 33Nikoo...: 'i just care about ollie too'
[22:10:14] :[McNash for: yeah i do
[22:10:15] 33Nikoo...: right?
[22:10:18] :[McNash for: im sorry
[22:10:21] :[McNash for: i cant change how i feel
[22:10:28] 33Nikoo...: neither can i
[22:10:36] :[McNash for: i dont expect you to
[22:11:00] 33Nikoo...: so i suppose this is it?
[22:11:10] :[McNash for: what do you mean by that#?
[22:12:03] 33Nikoo...: i thought it would be clear by now
[22:13:10] * :[McNash forever!:[(W)Are you the love of my lifetime?Cos
           there's been times I've had my doubts.(W)gay pride
           rocked...totally:[ is now Busy
[22:13:10] * :[McNash forever!:[(W)Are you the love of my lifetime?Cos
           there's been times I've had my doubts.(W)gay pride
           rocked...totally:[ is now Online
[22:13:21] 33Nikoo...: you still believe ollie is a good guy. and
           thats the bad thing.
[22:14:17] 33Nikoo...: im afraid i cant do this if you prefer ollie to
           me.
[22:14:27] 33Nikoo...: i dont believfe you when you sawy you dont
[22:14:35] 33Nikoo...: it makes me cry a lot to know that you do

Theres more, but it makes me feel to shit to re-read it.

Do I deserve to be feeling like this. I dont know, she used to be such a close friend, and its all gone now. Completely. I'm pretty sure we'll never trust eachother again. And I dont know, I just dont know. It was all so great but its all so wrong now. Nothing matters that should, and everything that shouldnt matters like fuck.

I just want to make everything go back to how it used to be.

Back to when Miriam was always happy,

Back to when Marleigh was always happy,

Back to when me and Niki were friends,

Back to when Rose and Dan were together,

Back to when I didnt love Jon.

Ugh I want that so much.

Love hurts so muchx

This sucks.

She doesnt deserve to feel like this, no no no its not fair. She's too amazing, too perfect.

The most incredible person I've ever met. She doesnt deserve this. No. Not this.

If anything ever happened to her I dont know what I'd do with myself.

"Stay, for life, for life
All you discover,
Stay, for life, for life,
This moment together,
To heal yourself, love can heal
Cant watch you fall."

I guess when someone that close to you hurts its bad enough. But not Miriam. NOT Miriam.

Right now all I want is there to be someone that can make her feel better.

Someone, something. Whatever it is.

Pleasepleaseplease.

Because I know she's the only person that will stick with me forever. That I'll stick with forever. Because love like that never ends, ever ever. There are friends that you dont need, there are friends you need, and there are friends that mean more to you than anything. And she means more to me than anything ever.

Please make her feel better, please please.

"Save, yourself, yourself,
Lost for a second,
Save, yourself, yourself,
Bury the conscience,
And heal yourself, you can heal
Cant watch you fall."

The only next time I can see her is Thursday which sucks. I need to see her sooner, I need to need to need to.

I hate loving so much.

But this will get better. It just has to. Because in the end everything gets better. Everything sorts itself out. every thing, we just have to wait. and sometimes its hard to wait but you just have to.

ugh i hate my words why cant they come out better

why cant i do more than what im doing.

i know its not my fault shes feeling like this but why cant i do anything to make it better.

"Wait, for love, for love,
You know it can happen,
Wait, for love, for love
The touch of a hand
To heal yourself, you can heal
Cant watch you fall."

I was looking at one of my old journals today and I found this. Strange how I only ever write things that are true when I hope people will never read them.

There are days when I hope you think of me.

And there are days when I hope you don't.
And there are days when I know you won't.

And there are times when I need you, and there are times when I wish I'd never met you, and I know everything would be better if I hadn't.

but at times like that, i scold myself for being so silly.

After all, I would be nothing without you.

You helped me to be me...you helped me to realise that it is perfectly acceptable to be me.

because you love me for being me, and no one else.

and if I could cry, I would, but I cant.
I will always always love you.

Wow, Genevieve is so beautiful.
It makes me both happy and sad to see someone like that, because I know she doesnt appreciate her beauty at all. But at the same time I'm glad to be associated with someone so absolutely beautiful, and its not like shes a horrible person with a beautiful face. She's a beautiful person.

And people wonder why I want to be beautiful so much...I just want to be seen like that. Seen the way people see her, how I see her.

But if I was beautiful, does that mean I wouldnt appreciate it either? I guess not. I hope I would.

The thing with Genevieve is that she's not really ready for the real world at all.

She better start shaping up because otherwise some asshole is going to take advantage of her and her beauty.

She needs someone like...Hmm I dont know. Every guy in Brighton is an asshole anyway.

I just hope she doesnt end up with someone like Joel. That Dan Levine kid was sweet. He really liked her. But thats another thing about Geno...shed never go out with him because hes ugly. She's so shallow its funny. I guess thats a reason she doesnt deserve her beauty.

I should stop writing this. I should stop wanting to be one of my best friends.

But I've always wanted that.

UGHconfusion.

Iloveyou.x

Things are messed up.

They were before, but its only really got to me since what happened on Tuesday.

I'm not really sure what to do with myself anymore.

I suppose about Tuesday, I just want to know what he meant. I started to get uncomfortable so I changed the subject and told him we should go and find her but I cant help wondering what would have happened if I'd just let him keep talking. What he would have said. What he would have done. I dont know, maybe I'm just overreacting. Maybe it meant nothing at all. But why would he say that? Do that? I dont know. I know this doesnt make any sense, I'm sorry.

I'm so confused about everything right now.

Yesterday she texted me saying that I was right about everything all along.
Was I?

This whole week has been pretty fucked up to be honest, and I'm so glad its almost over. Almost back to normal. Almost.

I also got a really apologetic text from Niki, but nothing is better inside.

UGH I'm so confused. Its horrible. Why cant I ever have it easy. I'm being selfish again.

In other news, I've almost finished up my diary, which sucks. I'm trying to keep it free till December, so I'll only write things that really matter.

I almost finished the Catcher in the Rye as well.

What are you saying?
Its just the thought of rejection,
Pulling you deeper,
You just cant be yourself.

Want to hear something that annoys me?

I happened to write an LJ entry saying what I was doing this week, and it said that on Tuesday I was seeing Ollie, and so Niki leaves a comment saying:

"thanks for seeing my ex boyfriend before you see me, who you used to say was one of your best friends ever,
sorry but i dont fancy getting over this just yet."

So now she expects me to put my friends in an order of who I see first? She hasnt asked me to see her at all this holiday! I can see whoever the fuck I want.
It would be different if she said to me, Oh can I see you on Tuesday, but she didnt. She didnt want to see me, what the hell am I supposed to do, just wait there in case she asks me to see her and not arrange to see Ollie ever without seeing her first? I dont think so. Why does she think she can control who I see? Its pathetic. She has to learn that she doesnt own her friends, and she should really respect them more. Otherwise, soon all she'll be left with are Genevieve, because Geno is scared of her and is her lapdog and will do whatever she says, and Hettie. Because Hettie worships her. And yeah, shes gonna have to start hanging out with her Backup Friends way more often if she keeps acting like this. ugh. Annoyance.

But Miriam stayed round yesterday and it was absolutely great. I love her so much. Shes amazing.

I still miss Jon a lot but I'm in a happy mood today, so instead of letting it get me down I'm just looking forward to when he gets back.

Xxxx

I keep discovering things that used to mean so much to me but just dont anymore.

Its strange.

Miriam is home today, which is great. But of course with one good thing comes a bad thing, and the bad thing is that Jon's away this week.

today has been quite a good day I think. i kept replaying things in my mind to keep me happy, and it worked. so im okay.

glad i didnt die before i met you.x