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There is so much happening. So much has happened. It is now 2006, and I dont know whats going on. I am wearing the band on my wrist that he gave me. It makes me warm to think that maybe he thinks of me sometimes. But it hurts to think of him with her. Because yet again, there is someone else. And it has made me realise that in our relationship, I am never going to be the only one. There is always going to be someone else. And that hurts so much, it makes me cry each night because I think he is with her now, and he must be lying when he tells me he loves me. He wouldn't be doing this to me if he loves me. And he asked me the other night if I considered what he was doing as cheating, and I just didn't answer. Because yes, part of me does, but the other part just wants him to be happy. And if Jess makes him happy, then so be it. And I wish it could be as simple as me saying that, and him saying "well yes, that is the case, she makes me happy, happier than you could ever make me." but it isnt, it never is. He always says something along the lines of "but she doesn't make me happy, you make me happy, nothing compares to you, to being with you, to holding you." But if that's true, then why is he doing this? Why cant he see how much he is hurting me and that I cant deal with this anymore?

Yesterday I was at my friend Genevieve's house for New Year's. Everyone was so happy and hyper and I just couldnt be. I really couldnt be. I just wasnt in that state at all. So I made my excuses and left. And I felt bad for leaving, because this time last year I would have been able to be all happy and hyper for no reason just because it was New Years. I would have been able to. But because of this past year, and all that has happened and how much it has changed me and what has been going on recently with me and Jon, and then seeing Jon and feeling so wonderful and then coming back and feeling so low, I just couldnt. I just cant do that anymore. And that hurts a lot. Just watching them all so happy and screaming and hyper, and me and Millie sitting in the living area just talking and smiling and having fun in a casual way which I really enjoyed, it made me think. It made me think how much I've changed, that I cant just get hyper for no reason any more. Everything has to make sense otherwise it wont matter to me. I miss not caring and just being crazy. But I cant do that anymore, and I dont know why.

Jon said that I would be better off with someone like Sammy. And I wish I could feel the things I feel for Jon for Sammy, because maybe he would treat me better. Maybe I would be able to tell him how I feel when he hurts me. But I cant feel things for sammy, nothing except friendship.

I just wish Jon could see what I see, I wish. But I wish a lot of things, and none of them ever end up happening.

Today is Genevieve's birthday. Another year gone.

Oh god, please let 2006 be better than 2005. please let it be alright, please let everything be alright.

Love always,
Olivia x



I havent written in here for quite a while.

I love the Bright Eyes song, A line allows progress, a circle does not. I think its amazing.
I'm going to Limmud pretty soon. I will see Jon, and I hope that he'll be happy with me. I hope I will be good enough.

I made him a post secret. I might post it on here one day.
There are some problems going on with everyone around me at the moment, but not particularly with me. But I guess they are with me, because they are with the people I care about and therefore with me.

Leon is hitting Miriam again. I hate him so much. He's such a fucking cunt. he doesnt deserve to be anywhere near Miriam or her mum, they are such amazing people, hes a piece of shit. Miriam is so perfect.
He is driving her away from everything. She is seriously considering moving to Sweden. That is how bad its got.
He hit her on the head with a metal saucepan, and then called her an evil bitch and various other things. I hate him. I hate him. I wish he would just leave them alone.
She is amazing. She is perfect. She is everything. I wont be able to survive if she moves to Sweden. I'll die.

Marleigh is getting worse. It's as simple as that.

Lora isn't eating anymore. It's so awful. It was hard enough with Marleigh, but now Lora too? I cant take it.
i cant take them both starving themselves
i cant take him hitting her
i cant take hating myself
i cant take wanting to be in his arms and never actually being in them.
i cant take all this waiting for everything to get better, when it never does. and i cant take all this waiting for a meaning which never comes.

Sometimes I wonder if it really is worth my while.

Are they worth my while, is it all worth it. Oh fuck it. I dont make sense.

I'm in such a mess.

I've got to stop relying on Jon's voice to make it better.

I have to learn to solve my own problems.

I need to accept things.

Love always,

Livi xxxxxxxx



  Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles brusied by a lady in black
And I held my toungue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes
are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark.
  i love that song, it makes me very happy or very sad.  
  i think that today was the starting point of a long line of days where everything seems inconsistant.   
  i love you.x  



Kathy With A K's Song always reminds me of you.

Because it was one of the first bright eyes song i listened to, and it reminds me of when i first fell in love with you.

Eytan told me some shit about you that i'm trying not to beleive, and i'm trying to pretend everything is fine by writing about Adam and Laura again. Its strange, when I dont want to think about whatever is going on between me and you I make up my own story about Adam and Laura because they mean so much to eachother.

I wish everything about us was simple. Like it used to be, but that was so long ago now.

I love you so much, every moment I spent with you was absolutely perfect.

I'm sorry about how nervous I was. I love you more every day.

Your everything to me.

I miss you, and I wish I could beleive.




I'm so glad he's different.

I'm so glad he's not like Ollie.

I dont think I would be able to bear it if he was.

He's the most amazing person I've ever met. He's so different.

I was so scared, scared that he wouldnt want me, or that he would be like Ollie, but I shouldnt have doubted because he's different and unique and amazing and he seems to want me.

I love him so much, he's everything to me.

And he made these past three days so amazing, and I've never been so happy.

He has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.



Last night I told him what happened,

maybe I made too much of a big deal of it.

I dont know.



I'm seeing Jon on wednesday

and it will be amazing.