sleepingintherain

I'm exceedingly pissed off because i wrote the longest journal entry here a couple days back and it deleted itself when i hit submit.

no one can understand how ANNOYING THAT IS. i feel like registering an Official BlogSpirit Complaint.

Listening to Avril Lavigne again...god ive been listening to her a lot lately! its kinda weird. i like going back to childhood stuff, it makes me feel real.

you used to love me, you used to have me, but that wasnt the case, everything wasnt okay. i was left to cry there, waiting outside there, grinning with a lost stare thats when i decided....why should i care? cuz you werent there when i was scared, i was so alone. you, you need to listen. i'm starting to trip, i'm losing my grip, and i'm in this thing alone.

heh. gotta love that song. open your eyes, open up wide. STOP QUOTING, OLIVIA.

Anyway. Yeah, basically in my last journal entry...I dont know. it was kind of messed up. but it got a lot of feelings out. Maybe its better it wasnt posted, and i just got it out.

Miriam has a boyfriend! I dont want to break it to Eytan. I hope I dont end up being the one that has to. He seems to really like her.

I guess there's nothing you can do, I'm sure he'll get over it.

I watched the Digimon movie for the second time today. It's actually properly intense. I love it, I need to buy it when I've given it back to Nell.

It all makes so much sense as well, fighting the virus and everything. HAHA i'm getting deep over a Digimon movie. Oh well, I love it. I really do.

I'm gonna ask Jon to learn the Beyblade themetune on guitar for me. Then I'll love him forever. The scary thing is, I think I might love him forever anyway.

One day I, I slowly floated away. One day I, I slowly floated away.

You gotta love Eisley.

I really wish I had taken the opportunity that I lost at Limmud to talk to Scott Fried. I really need to get this thing off my chest and there is no one i want to burden with it. But I know that if I told him there would be no judgement, no stress. Just relief. I need that relief. I really do.

It hurts, especially at night. But I wont let it get to me. And I wont let it stop me doing and being what i want.

I like pretending it never happened :)

I love the song Follow the Cops Back Home by Placebo. It makes me sigh. In a good way.

Love seems to be different at the moment. When I want someone they're never there, and when I just want to be alone I'm constantly crowded.

Right now I want someone. I want you.

I want you.

Always,

Olivia xx

I havent written here in a very long time.

Everything is happy right now. Jon and Eytan came down to Brighton at the beginning of the half term, and it was so great. I spent the most amazing time with Jon...everything felt so perfect. I am so glad I didn't do anything stupid a couple months back, and instead I trusted my instincts and just kept everything going because now everything is so lovely. We're so open with each other and I feel so comfortable with him. I was reading back on the journals on here about remembering being completely in love with him. And I've realised that that was a different kind of love. That was the kind of scared nervous beginning love, whereas now we are just so comfortable with each other that everything just is...perfect. Or at least it is in my opinion, hopefully it is in his.

I feel like I can completely bear my soul to him, and spill my heart and whatevers in it. He is the kind of person that I can call up in the middle of the night and talk to him about however i'm feeling right that second, whether its something deep and personal or some stupid irrational thing like the shadows in my room moving strangely and scaring me.

When he was here, I fell asleep next to him again, in his arms, and everything felt so right.

He reacts so well with my family, and he seems to fit in so well. I just hope it carries on and now that i'm happy it wont all go to waste.

I do love him. I realise how much everytime i see him, i realise how much i miss him everytime i'm without him.

Life sure is crazy sometimes :) but love is worth everything.

Well I have to go, my Dad is making me go to bed. Its ten past eleven and I have to get up early tomorrow to get the train to London because I'm going shopping with Faye.

Always,

Olivia xox

Did you expect it all to stop at the wave of your hand?
like the suns just gonna drop if its night you demand?
Well in the dark we're just there, so the house might dissolve
Once we're gone whos gona carfe if we were ever here at all.
Summers gona come its gona cloud our eyes again. No need to focus when theres nothing thats worth seeing.
So we trade liquor for blood in an attempt to tip the scales,
I think you lost what you love in thatmess of details,
they seemed so important at the time, now you cahnt even recall any names faces or lines it more the feeling of it all

well winters gona end im gona clean these veins again so close to dying that i finally can start living

I have such a horrible feeling right now.
i am remembering being completely, utterly, passionately in love with Jon.
And the thing is...that is what it is. It is just a memory. Songs like first day of my life, a song to pass the time, practically the whole fevers and mirrors album actually. Kathy with a ks song, motion sickness.

they all scream it out to me, the memory of being so devoted to him, i wanted nothing else in the world. nothing else but to be in his arms. nothing.

I wanted him so much, he was absolutely everything I could ever want.

July. July was amazing. I now understand what he meant when he said he wanted it back like it was in July. Because in July I loved him so much, everything was so scary and new and I just couldnt breathe with everything I was feeling.

And I dont feel like that anymore. It's not like that anymore.

So much has happened. All that stuff with Carrie, then Jess, then him scaring me a little, all of the selfishness.

Everything is so stupid now.

I miss him, but do I really. I miss what i knew. I miss the old him. I wish I could get that back.

I wish It was simple again. I miss when it was simple. But I guess it was never simple.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had never told him how i felt. If we had just carried on. Would I be where I am now? Would all the things that have happened between me and other people happen?

What would it all be like.

"Im not sure what the trouble was that started all of this, the reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did.
Its not something I would reccommend, but it is one way to live... cuz what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is. Yeah what is simple in the moonlight now its so complicated... Yeah whats so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight...

i hate this so much. i hate it. i just want it to be good!!! Why isn't anything ever good anymore? Lora says I should break up with him. I dont know. I just dont know. Because I still love him. I do. I just dont like him anymore.

today was my birthday. it was realy fun!
i got birthday texts from sammy and eytan, and other peoples too.

didnt expect one from jon though, knowing him!

I don't really know what's going on at the moment. All I can be sure of is that everything, absolutely everything, is falling apart.
Practically all my friends have taken a major dislike to me. Marleigh is up and down with me lately. She either likes me or hates me. At the moment she doesnt like me. I'm still not sure why. Apparently she's a burden to me or something.
Leah seems okay with me. I aplogised to her when I was told how she was feeling, and since then we've been good with eachother. Or at least thats what I think anyway.
Lora seems to be good with me. I love her so much, I dont want to lose her.
Niki and Genevieve...those two really don't like me at the moment. But can I blame them? I'm pretty sure I've turned into a stupid, hostile bitch to most of my friends. But I dont mean to be. I still love my friends, I will always love my friends, I just want everything to be good with them again.
But I dont know how to make everything good with them.
And now I only seem to be happy when I'm around Miriam, Lora, Georgie, Zoe, Jess and Rose. And Bella and Millie.
But I cant be with them all the time. Because I am trapped in my friendship group where no one likes me!
Georgie, Zoe, Jess and Rose are in a different class. Miriam is in a different school. Bella and Millie have April and are with me sometimes but not usually. I am so trapped and I dont know what to do. I dont just mean by friends. I am trapped by everything. Mostly myself.
Marleigh said that she feels like Jon has taken away everything I was and kept it for himself. That he's taken the real me and left...I dont know.
But I do know. I know she's right. Because I feel that way too.
I feel like he's taken all of me. He's taken all of me and locked it away somewhere so I can only get it when I'm with him. And even then its not all of it. And I guess that's why half of me wishes I had never met him. Because then I might have truly known myself by now, I might have all my friendships sorted out, I might be able to be happy without him being here.

I just want to be happy without him.

It hurts to know that the person I love above almost all others has practically destroyed me and everything I was.
My love for him has outblocked almost everything else and has made me neglect the other people I care about.
I have completely changed for him. Ironic, since he said he loves me as I am and doesnt want me to change. But what am I? I dont even know myself anymore. I wish I did.
I remember how happy I was before he was in my life, and that hurts. I was so carefree, I guess. And when I met him it was the most amazing time of my life. Nothing, nothing could ever replace those 5 days. Those 5 days of complete...I guess bewilderment at how I could actually feel perfect.
And all those months where I was hurting, and hurting, and hurting over the fact that I loved him. My friends were there for me, and I really did and still do appreciate that. And when I finally told him...I guess its since then that everything really has been going wrong.
Ever since I told him I loved him.
So would I be better off completely alone?
I practically am now. I have made myself almost completely alone.
I have isolated myself from everybody. I talk to Millie about how Damien has done this apart from Rose, and I didn't realise till now that I am doing the same thing.
Why don't I ever see myself for what I am?
I hate it.
I hate how stupid I am.
I hate how I have slowly poisoned all my friends against me.
Today, I hate myself more than ever.

Why cant I just change for the better for once? I am always saying how I want to change, but whenever I do, it is always bad. I always become worse.

What is wrong with me?

And so it has gotten worse.

I dont know if it was in here, but somewhere a long time ago i wrote that i was scared jon would fall in love with niki and that is why i wouldnt give her his email address.

guess what? she fancies him

and knowing her she wont stop til she gets what she wants. and she says shes not gona give up.

so i dont know what to do.

why is she doing this to me? i always knew i would get out done by her some day.