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Number 15 in this secret. I dont like the number 15, maybe because my sister's birthday is the 15th of May, and she always gets all the attention and so many more presents than me...wow, I sound shallow and superficial, I was worse when I was younger.
I have decided not to let myself get to worked up or anxious over what is happening right now. I came back from Manchester on Tuesday walking on air, I was so happy. Everything has gone downhill from there, but I'm coping with it because I'm letting myself believe that everything will turn out right in the end, however dangerous that may be. I do not want to be one of the people that falls under false illusions, but all that is keeping me sane right now is believing in this, this lie? I dont know yet. What I do know is that I miss Jon, I miss him so much. I knew that seeing him would make me miss him more, but I miss him too much to bear. I need to see him again, but it wouldn't be the same. You can never recreate a perfect moment, you just have to love it there and then and appreciate it. But I didnt. Because what was mostly going through my head is "this is going to end, soon." I knew even then that it was going to end and that nothing would live up to how good I was feeling then. I suppose I shouldn't have thought those things, and I should have just lived and loved those times. But I'm stupid, and I didnt.
So, Eytan speaks to me the next day, and tells me that Jon's girlfriend saw me and Jon together, holding hands.
I dont know if I mentioned he has a girlfriend, but yeah.
So, now I feel like even more of a bitch then I did before.
I dont know the girl, but I feel horrible. I know that if I had a boyfriend and I saw him holding hands with another girl it would make me doubt, but being me it would make me do more than doubt. But this isnt about me.
I feel so bad, and even though Monday was amazing, I feel so...bad. I shouldnt have gone I suppose, because going has made me miss him and hurt even more, and now feel awful for hurting his girlfriend.
I dont know if I mentioned it before, but most nights I lay awake wanting to speak to Jon, but I know that I wont ring him and if he rings me I'd just probably stay silent and not know what to say, since everything changed.
I cant help myself loving Jon, and I wish I didnt, I really do. I wish we were just friends, but we're not anymore, because I told him that I loved him, and he said he loved me back. He told me he loves me, but I dont know if thats true or not. I just dont think he could feel the same to be honest, knowing how many girls he's "been in love" with, and this is a first for me, and I know its not a first for him, and I know his first love was absolutely amazing to him, and I cant help but think that I am going to have to live up to that. But he is the one person I can be myself around, which is great. Because with everyone else I'm different, and I never say or do what I want or what I feel, because they just laugh. Everytime I try to have a serious conversation with any of my friends, they just laugh because they are so used to me being the one that makes the jokes. And sure, I make jokes. But I also talk serious. And they dont listen. But Jon does. And Jon says he loves me. But does he?

Does he?

I know I should trust him more, and I do trust him, I really do. I just cant help thinking he doesnt love me, because I cant imagine anyone loving me. I'm just not capable of anothers love, its impossible. Because there is nothing of me to love, because all I can do to make others want to be around me is make jokes, because I am hideous to look at, because I'm a horrible, horrible person.

I want to change myself so much. I want to change for you, for Jon, for everyone.
Please let me change.

I love.x



Yesterday saw the event of the worst party ever. i cant take chavs, but that many of them...so scary.

came back feeling so fucking ill.

and joel turned up, and made me feel horrible, because whenever i see him it just reminds me of those awful times when he was so horrible to me, i know I shouldnt let him affect me like he does, but I cant help it. i just wish he would leave me alone, sometimes he actually makes me cry, hes not even worth my fucking tears.

im so nervous about tomorrow, because as much as I want to see him, I dont because Im scared hes going to hate me, or just think of me as pathetic. and also I know that if I see him tomorrow when I come back I'm just going to cry solidly about how much I miss him, and I will miss him even more. i love him too much.

please let him like me.

please let him not hate me.

i need him more than ever, i need him so much, i love him. i love him. i love him.

and im just so scared that its going to be over, when nothings even begun.

am I being irrational? please let me know.

i love too much x



not long till i see him now.
today he sent me a text saying "Hey, I just wanted to tell you how much I fucking love you. You are amazing, you deserve everything, and I cant give you anything. Youre crazy, I love you. Jonsx" I'm not sure if I can explain in words the joy and love and happiness that shot through me the minute I read that, and stayed with me the entire day and is still here now, because he loves me. I replied saying "I love you more than anything...and I have for so long, and you really are the most amazing guy I've ever met. I dont deserve someone as deep and special as you, and you make me happier than anyone else possibly could. I love you so much xxx"

and its true. Every word of it...I still cant beleive he loves me. it really is the greatest thing ever.

ive loved him for half a year now...it seems longer.

i wish niki would leave off for a while. i cant take that right now, to ruin my happiness. i cant wait to get away.
jon is amazing.





wow, explosions in london today. that scared me.
manchester so soon. cant wait, its going to be so fantastic, spending time with jon finally. i need him so much.
today niki really pissed me off. i was worried because my dad was in london and there had been explosions, so i was trying to ring him, and niki said "why dont you ring Jon, cuz his lines ALWAYS free, and you ALWAYS ring him!" i was just like...can you fuck off? im worried about my family, i dont need your fucking jealousy of me being in love with jon.

she pisses me off so much right now. why cant she just get over the fact that im in love. ugh. annoyance.


love tho.x



The last couple of days have been absolutely amazing.

Ever since I found out Jon felt the same way, everything has been so...great, calm, easy, perfect. How its meant to be. I know we cant be together physically, because he lives so far away...but just knowing he loves me...its the most amazing feeling in the world. Requited love, I never thought I'd have it.

I'm seeing him on Monday...Monday, it seems too long to wait. I need him now, right now, to hold me and tell me everything will be okay again, cuz hes there, and he loves me. To tell me that Marleigh will get better, and that Lora will find the person that she truly deserves, that Melis will stay, that Niki will stop hating me and start understanding...and that Miriam will be alright. But most of all I need him to be there with me. Just to...make me happy again, cuz in all honesty, he really is the only one that can. I only get to spend one day with him...oh well, I'd stay up all night just to be with him longer. I'd do anything.

Every single time he tells me he loves me, it fills me up with so much happiness, warmth, beauty, and want that I have extreme difficulty breathing. And sleeping.

Oh God, I love him so so SO much. Its incredible.

I want to be with him more than anything.

and...i cant. so its so horrible.


love x



Wow, I am so happy.  So happy.

I cant beleive it.

Jon loves me too.

He loves me.

He loves me.

All this time I've been convincing myself that he wouldnt...that he COULDNT feel the same...but he does.

And its so great.

why am i happier than ive ever been before

love x



wow, i love him.

and hes calling tonight, yay!

i realised how much i've been cutting myself. its stupid, because it makes me feel so good yet so guilty.

i love it though, its such an amazing feeling.

and it makes up for all the tears i've spent on memories of him.