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Want to hear something that annoys me?

I happened to write an LJ entry saying what I was doing this week, and it said that on Tuesday I was seeing Ollie, and so Niki leaves a comment saying:

"thanks for seeing my ex boyfriend before you see me, who you used to say was one of your best friends ever,
sorry but i dont fancy getting over this just yet."

So now she expects me to put my friends in an order of who I see first? She hasnt asked me to see her at all this holiday! I can see whoever the fuck I want.
It would be different if she said to me, Oh can I see you on Tuesday, but she didnt. She didnt want to see me, what the hell am I supposed to do, just wait there in case she asks me to see her and not arrange to see Ollie ever without seeing her first? I dont think so. Why does she think she can control who I see? Its pathetic. She has to learn that she doesnt own her friends, and she should really respect them more. Otherwise, soon all she'll be left with are Genevieve, because Geno is scared of her and is her lapdog and will do whatever she says, and Hettie. Because Hettie worships her. And yeah, shes gonna have to start hanging out with her Backup Friends way more often if she keeps acting like this. ugh. Annoyance.

But Miriam stayed round yesterday and it was absolutely great. I love her so much. Shes amazing.

I still miss Jon a lot but I'm in a happy mood today, so instead of letting it get me down I'm just looking forward to when he gets back.




I keep discovering things that used to mean so much to me but just dont anymore.

Its strange.

Miriam is home today, which is great. But of course with one good thing comes a bad thing, and the bad thing is that Jon's away this week.

today has been quite a good day I think. i kept replaying things in my mind to keep me happy, and it worked. so im okay.

glad i didnt die before i met you.x



I find it strange how the smallest things can completely restore hope.

Yesterday I slept round at Marleigh's house with Leah, and it was really great and stuff. But at the end of it when we werent talking much, I just got round to thinking. And I got pretty sad, and I started missing Jon more than ever. It was horrible. I just wanted to be with him then so much, it was actually unbearable. Then as if he knew how much I missed him, he rang me. Which to be honest, annoyed Marl et Leah, but who cares. I said "You have no idea how much I miss you. I've been talking about it for ages and its annoying everyone." He said, "I miss you too." I said "Really?" and he said "Yes. I just read the letter again." and I said "Stop reading it..." and he said "No...I read it all the time. But I cant talk for long...I just rang to say I miss you a lot...and I love you." and my stomach went all funny and I said "I love you too." and then Leah interrupted for a lil bit and then he said "Well I have to go." and I said "Okay. I love you." and he said "I love you too."

And I felt truly happy for the first time in too long.



Wow, 30th Post. Go me. I think I should plan a little party.

Today my mother said that I'm not considered part of the family anymore, which hurt a lot.

I realised that there is no way for me to see Jon this holiday, because theres no time that fits in properly. Its annoying, but I guess we'll just have to find some other time to see each other.

Limmud is in 4 months. So I'll spend about...5 days with him then...but thats not much. Maybe I could see him in the October half term. Maybe. He probably will have something already planned though and wont want to see me.

I'm seeing Marleigh on Thursday which will be good, because she's been upset recently and I want to talk to her.

Music is the only thing getting me through at the moment.

I guess I just wasnt made for these times.

She stops, light as air, and falls.



i just found Paddy Casey,

Sweet Suburban Sky is fucking amazing

and Saints and Sinners is really nice too

fucking hell i need jon so much right now, just to hold me and tell me everything will be okay and to make me feel safe

i wish i didnt need him so much

this fucking sucks

i wish he would just go away

and i hadnt met him

and everything was alright.

and like it used to be

why cant anything ever go the way i want it


So I just talked to him on the phone for about 45 minutes.
It was a good conversation, its strange because I would expect conversations like that to upset me. But it didnt. Because I just heard his voice, and I felt happy. Ugh, i'm so pathetic. But back to what I was saying before.
He had sent me a text before saying stuff like "im so sorry i fucked everything up, you need someone real, etc." and we were talking about stuff like that and he said that its not that he doesnt feel the same way about me..its that he cant. like it got killed or something. But I just cant understand that. You can never, ever lose the ability to love. You just cant. It's one of those things that never dies. And I said that to him. I said, even if you dont find it with me, you'll find it with someone and you'll doubt you ever lost it. but i dont think he beleived me. but i believe me, and i hardly ever do. so i must be right. He said he was scared that I was going to find someone in Brighton that loved me that I loved and think "oh why did i ever love jon, i must have been crazy" or something. dont worry, i hastened to tell him that was crazy...because i've been thinking about if that happened to, and i just know that i wouldnt be able to feel like that for anyone else. because trust me i've tried! i've tried with my close male friends, but nothing is there. and i'm glad of it i guess. and it doesnt matter who i find in this stupid city, i love jon and thats that.

i'm confused, i hate distance, i hate confusion, i hate it when things die deep down inside of you and you dont have the faith to revive them anymore.

but i fucking love you to distraction, jon.x



I spent today with my closest friends minus one, Miriam. Because she's in Sweden.
It was great. I was with Leah, Laura, Marleigh and Ollie, and they are all amazing. I was with Melis to begin with as well but she had to go. I cant beleive shes going to America. But back to the happiness of today.
I was with them and they're so great. Ollie has become such a close friend of mine, and I hope it always stays this way. I know that no matter what Niki says or thinks she cant make me stop being friends with him because he is so great. And I guess she's right in beleiveing that I like him more than her because I do. I consider him a closer friend than her because I cant trust her and I cant tell her anything and to me she's just a friend I can have fun with. She hurts me more than anyone else. And the thing is she shouldnt because I dont consider her a close friend and all my closest friends have never hurt me, but she has. I guess thats why. Wait, i'm not really making much sense. Oh well.

I miss Jon more than ever and it hurts because I think I've depressed or upset him and that hurts me so much and makes me cry.

i love him more than anything, but i guess love is not enough.